Writing a 20pg. story for class. Any sort of critique would be great. Here鈥檚 the plot overview. Feel free to express what you think and would really like it if you tell me the flaws and how it can be crappy. Thank you very much for reviewing and putting up with all the writing (=
Prologue
Once upon a time there was a boy named Giovanni, an elementary school student. His friends call him Vann for short. He was often times very shy. Despite being shy, he was able to become the best of friends with a girl he really liked name Beatrice. Eventually the two became the best of friends by the fourth grade and maybe even more if Vann didn鈥檛 had to move to a new city. It鈥檚 been three years and he is now in the seventh grade and as shy as ever, if not, then he鈥檚 even shyer. He has no friends and is often too timid to speak to other people. One day his parents took him to a pet shop to keep him company. All the pets were taken so Vann had two choices, a dog, or a mischievous little squirrel with a pair of wings on its back. Being oblivious, like everyone else, to the fact that the squirrel had wings on its back and can talk, Vann decided to take the squirrel seeing as how dogs are too unoriginal. Vann wanted to name her cookie, but the squirrel protested that her real name is Alyssa.
End Prologue
Vann has moved back to his old city to attend high school and it is now near the end of his sophomore year meaning summer is about to begin. His best friend is named Livias (named after leviathan, demon of envy). Livias was a lady's man and many of the girls in school want a piece of him, sometimes Vann would feel envious, but that never got in the way of their friendship. He is still as shy and timid as ever and hasn鈥檛 made any friends besides Livias. Yet despite being shy, he is absolutely oblivious to the fact that he has caught the attention of almost every girl at school. The summer wasn鈥檛 any different from any other summer, or so it seems. Each day was becoming more and more dull. Vann would usually go hang out with Livias when the two aren鈥檛 busy, but most of the time, Livias was out on a date.
Then next day, Vann was working on his summer project with the assistance of Alyssa until a wormhole opened up out of now where. Vann and Alyssa freaked out and out came an evil magician in a black cloak. He was bold, with an oval shaped head and yellow snake like eyes. Alyssa, being completely alarmed, jumped on the magician鈥檚 face and clawed at his fake nose which fell off. (The magician is a parody of Harry Potter鈥檚 Voldemort) Furious, the magician put a magic spell on the two and that will kill them both unless they comply. He orders that they must go inside and seek a magic lamp and bring to them. Then the magician kicked the two into the wormhole. Out of the portal, Vann fell on to a table full of food while Alyssa gracefully flew out. It seems the two have flown into the middle of a royal feast inside of a royal castle and right in front of the king鈥檚 face. The king鈥檚 advisor orders the guard to lock up the two. Vann and Alyssa remained in the cell for a week and nearly lost all hope until the king鈥檚 daughter, princess Sophie, went to their cell and asked them for a favor in exchange for setting them free. At first Vann disagreed, but then Sophie decided to use her 鈥渨omanly charm鈥?to seduce Vann into complying. Vann complies and Alyssa was embarrassed by how easy it was to manipulate Vann. Sophie explained that her father was sick and the only way to cure him is if they were to find the magic lamp, or so the king鈥檚 advisor says. Vann realized that Sophie can help him find the lamp and get him home and agreed to help her. Sophie wasn鈥檛 any ordinary princess like in the old fairy tales. She was aggressive and knew what she wants. She wasn鈥檛 timid at all and had a lot of spunk in her personality. A complete contrast to Vann鈥檚 shyness. No only that but she has mastered the arts of Kung-fu, karate, ninjutsu, and Judo. And whenever she goes on an adventure, she would bring an RPG (rocket launcher), grenades, guns, and a remote control for the nuclear bomb that her father gave her for Christmas. Vann asked her if she knew anything about an evil magician and Sophie told him to be quiet. Saying that he must never be spoken about and his name never must be mentioned for it was such an atrocious name that anyone who heard it will throw up. Along the way Sophie gave Vann an inter dimensional cell phone so that he can contact her if he got lost.
They finally reached the cave where the lamp was and Alyssa went over to retrieve it. Alyssa and Vann were just about to make their escape, but Sophie with her temper completely out of control due to Vann鈥檚 betrayal, took out a rocket launcher and started shooting at the two. Then the king鈥檚 advisor appeared and took the lamp from Vann and reveals himself to be the evil magician. He tells Vann that he has been tricked and will never go home. Sophie took out her arsenal of AK-47s, uzis, shotguns, handguns, and grenades and start bombarding Vann, and the magician with everything she had while Alyssa flew away without anyone noticing. Finally the king appeared swinging from a rope Indiana Jone鈥檚 style and retrieved the lamp from the magician. Alyssa started clawing at the magician鈥檚 face and the magician dropped his magic wand which caused another wormhole to open. Vann and Alyssa ran into the wormhole and returned home.
The next day school was about to start. Livias and Vann both sit at the same desk during their math class along with two beautiful girls Helen and Lyn. Lyn and Helen are also best friends who also gossip a lot and hangout with a clique of other popular girls. Livias was flirting with the two girls as usual while Vann sat quietly doing his work, paying no mind to the conversation. All of the sudden Livias asked Helen if she like Vann. Vann was shocked and turn red while yelling "What the Hell? Don't ask such dumb questions!" Livias realized he had just embarrased Vann and started teasing him. Lyn told Helen to ignore them and returned to her gossipping, but realized that Helen's attention was on Vann. So Lyn wispered in Helen's ear and teasingly asked "Oooh, you like him don't you?" Helen blushed and changed the subject back to gossip while the two boys were still fighting. After school, Vann and Livias were walking home when they ran into Helen and Lyn. "Hey, she鈥檚 hot don鈥檛cha think?" asked Livias. Then he kicked Vann until he flew right in the middle of the two girls, accidentaly falling on Helen. The two stared at each other for a while and blushed. Helen shoved him off yelled "What the Hell do think your doing?!" Vann apologized and blamed it on Livias who was no where to be found. "I think he was trying to take off your clothes." Lyn laughed. "Well look at the time! I gotta get home! Cya!" Vann apologized and ran off.
Its been about a couple of months since Vann was in the other world. His experience in the other world has raised his self-esteemed by a little bit which helped him become a little bit more acquainted with Helen. He was doing his homework when he started wondering about the other world again, the world where Sophie reside. Then he remembered the cell phone she gave him. All of the sudden, Vann's pet talking/flying squirrel popped out from his drawer. Alyssa started pestering Vann as usual "Hey! Shouldn't you be doing your homework instead of daydreaming about girls?鈥?Vann swatted her aside and Alyssa flew across the room. "I could've had a pet dog, but I just had to get the damn talking squirrel!"
The next day, Vann went to school not realizing that Alyssa has slept into his backpack along with the inter dimensional cell phone. During math, a new student had arrived to Vann's class. Some how she looked familiar. The girl sat with Vann's group and Livias tried to flirt her up as he does with every other girl. She ignored him and asked Vann "Hey didn't you use to go to the same elementary school as I did?" Vann couldn't believe it! It was Beatrice, her beauty unchanged as well as her intelligence and overwhelming arrogance, but what Vann noticed the most were the same eyes he had set eyes on years ago. The two got re-acquainted for the entire class. After school, the two went to get some lunch. But it ended quickly as Vann heard a beeping sound from his backpack. It was the cell phone and Alyssa popped out of his backpack yelling "Vann Sophie's in trouble!" "So what?!" Vann snapped. "Oh my God" screamed Beatrice. "Talking squirrel? I don't see no talking squirrel!" Vann yelled as he tried to shove Alyssa back into the backpack. "Its soooo cute!" said Beatrice, who for some reason ignored the fact that it was a talking squirrel. Alyssa broke out of Vann's grasp and started flying around while scratching Vann's face, convincing him as hard as she can to get Vann to go back to the other world. Finally, Vann submitted to Alyssa's annoyance and ran home to prepare for the unexpected trip. While running home, Vann ran into Helen, who tried to ask him if he would like to have lunch with her the next day. Shocked, Vann didn't know what to do. He turned red and starting stumbling in his words. Then Alyssa popped out again and started nagging Vann to return home. "Oh my God! A squirrel! How cuuuute!" said Helen. "Sorry, can't chat, gotta go!" said Vann as he ran off. "So who were those two girls? Gasp! Don't tell me your taking advantage of two girls and going out with both of them? You pig!" Alyssa exclaimed. Vann shoved the squirrel back in his backpack and ran back home.
鈥淎lright even if I do care that she鈥檚 in trouble, why should I help her and how are we going to go back to the other world?鈥?Alyssa explained there was a special connection between Vann and the other world and that he can open up the wormhole by will. Vann tried to will the wormhole to open and it did. The two went in and came out the other end where they learned that it wasn鈥檛 will power that opened the wormhole, but a matter accelerator on the other side that opened up the hole. "Your back!" yelled Sophie. Thinking she was happy to see him, Vann was going to greet her, but then Sophie kicked him in the shin yelling "Took you long enough!" Sophie was explaining to Vann how she was engaged with the king of the underworld, Pan. 鈥淵ou mean to tell me I came all the way here just so you can tell me your getting married?!鈥?yelled Vann. 鈥淲ell that and鈥?鈥?Sophie had a malicious smile on her face and out came the king and his guards who immediately arrested Vann for aiding the evil magician in there last meet. So the king locked up Vann and Alyssa again. Sophie went to free them if Vann agreed to attend a ball with her. At the ball, Sophie tells Vann the real reason why she sent for him and conspired with Vann to destroy Pan's estate as revenge for stealing her new Chris Brown album. Pan went to the ball to capture Sophie and have Vann executed. Vann, Sophie, and Alyssa ran for it. Then they went to travel to the underworld and to Pan's estate. There, Pan was waiting. He summoned a black dragon to destroy the three. Vann hopped on the dragon that Pan was riding on and sucker punched Pan to knock him off. With Pan unconscious, the dragon disappeared and Vann's job was finished as Sophie said and sent him back to his world without even a thank you.
Eventually Vann started dating Helen; Beatrice gets jealous and dates Livias to make Vann jealous. Lyn got jealous of Helen dating Vann and offered her body to him. Vann refused, but Lyn kissed him anyways, giving him his first kiss. Helen caught the two together and broke up with Vann. Livias became jealous of Vann for dating Lyn because he was secretly in love with Lyn. Vann ran home where he saw Alyssa who revealed to him that she is actually a shape shifting human in disguised who鈥檚 looking for something in the otherworld. Then she transformed into a beautiful women. And so Alyssa decided to live in the other world. Little did Vann know that Pan is actually using mind control on Alyssa to later lure Vann into a trap. A week later, she returned to Vann begging him to come back to defeat Pan who had forcefully crowned himself the new king of the other world and set his eyes on Vann's world. Lyn came over to apologize to Vann, Helen came over to make up with Vann, but misinterpreted Lyn's arrival as a date and became angry, and Livias arrived at Vann's house to challenge him to a fight. Then Beatrice came over to admit her feelings for Vann, but thought she was too late because Helen arrived first. Then Alyssa grabbed onto Vann's arm to urge him to go with her to the other world and everyone thought Vann was going out with another girl, Alyssa. Alyssa and Vann went into the portal and the others followed. There, princess Sophie has escaped Pan's grasp for the meantime and grabbed hold of Vann and cried in his shoulder because of her father's assassination. Now everyone else thought Vann was going out with a fifth girl while Alyssa was slowly getting jealous of Sophie hogging Vann's shoulder all to herself, the spot that Alyssa used to sat on when she was still a squirrel. Eventually, the story escalates more as Vann deals with the conflict between the otherworld and his world as well as the conflict in his personal life. He later on discovers something about the other world that he would have never guessed.
Well I'll stop there. Thank you all for critiquing my long *** story and because this is going into 20% of my grade. Thanks (= Looks like you've investing a lot of time in this story, and I really lyke it but you're words use IS repetitive. You need to use bigger words and not habitually use small mundane, bland words. Infuse this story with some life. |
