How can I deal with an out of control 13 year old?

I have no idea where to turn. My 13 year old daughter is completely ruining my life and I'm afraid she will ruin her own very soon. She was 5 when I finally left her abusive father, and for a while she continued to see him for visitation. 6 years ago he stopped showing up and I never persued him to have a relationship with his daughter. (she came home tense sometimes violent and wouldn't talk about her weekends except one time at Easter when she said ''daddy and grandma were fighting so they were throwing the eggs at each other'') she was 6. I thought that since he stopped the visits that her behavior would slowly improve, but instead I am now being abused by her! I have 2 older children from a previous marriage and I have always treated my kids the same. I believe in respecting their privacy, and being open with them. we are honest with each other, any question asked will be answered truthfully. As teens we had open conversations about development, drugs, drinking, and sex. They are both in their early 20's and neither smokes, does drugs, drinks to excess. They are in college and have each been on the deans list at one point. They are respectful and helpful when they are home.I don;t know what I have done differently with my youngest that would make her so completly opposite. I was looking forward to her older brother and sister going away to college because I thought it would be our time to get closer but her behavior has only gotten worse. She has be caught shoplifting from Kohl's store and my neice said she saw her seal a ring from an other store when they were together. when I asked her about the ring she said ''grandma gave it to her'' when I said grandma didn't recall giving her any jewelry she said grandma forgets things all the time. she goes into my drawers and closet and takes my things then lies about it. I have found clothing she swore she didn't take in her closet in her own drawers, and stuffed between her mattress and box spring. I found her sisters sweatshirt in her pillow case, her brothers change can behind her chair, and my missing cell phone( gone for a week) in her purse. Recently I found my lingere and some of my underwear in her closet and this really scares me what could she be doing with that? I haven't even worn those thing in years, they were packed in a box in the basement. I said she was too young for thong underwear and this is what she was caught stealing. then she cut her own panties into a thong shape with scissors. lately I threatened to find her father and make her live there, then I feel guilty for taking such a low blow but I am really starting to hate this child. she curses at me, regularly. she says she hates me. she has put a hole in the wall and broken the bathroom door and my car door from slamming so hard. I am recently remarried and my husband patiently fixes everything and for the most part tries to stay out of the arguments but she is putting a strain on our marriage as well. My husband and I have given her everything she asks for and then some. she has had swimming lessons, riding lessons, music lessons , and dance classes. she has been on the volley ball team and track team both of which we bought special sneakers and sweat suits for, and drove her and picked her up from every practice and meet. Now she has joined the cheerleading team for which I'm told she needs 2 pair of $85 sneakers (0ne for practice and one for meets) also a warmup suit ($65) a special hair bow for games($6) and ''mandatory'' tumbling classes twice a week (another$20 per week). We are making ends meet but we are not well of by any means and ordinarily I would not think twice about ''finding''the money somewhere (which means something else doesn't get paid this month) but I'm too tired of the daily struggle with her. why should I do anything for her when she won't even set the dinner table without an argument. I have to ask 2 or 3 times before she will scream that she heard me and she'll get to it. I have thought about counseling I have looked into it in fact. Our insurance is minimal and the time is also a factor. (no one seems to realize this when ''get counseling'' is always the redundant answer) time off from work=less pay. We cant afford it to begin with. ''there are sliding scales'' is another one I here all the time, well they never slide in our favor thats for sure. according to ''uncle sam'' we make too much money to qualify for college financial aid so sliding scales are not going to slide this way. I feel so trapped, i'm starting to suffer from depression myself. I spend my days off wandering around the house with my emotiond swing back and forth between anger and dispair. when I'm at work I can't concentrate, when i'm in bed I can't sleep. I keep thinking that maybe I should drop her off on her fathers doorstep. Then I can get on with my life and breath again. They are exactly alike anyway. But I know she will not have the same opportunities there as at home. I could end up paying support (though he hasn't paid a penny in over 6 years) and i'm sure the money would not be spent on her. I know this is very long and confusing but it feels good just to be able to get some of this out even if i'm not really ''talking''to someone. thanks for listening.

gosh this is a hard one. part of me wants to say be mean and send her to a behavior management class and the other part says don't . The truth is, while extracuriccular activites are important she hardly deserves the shoes. If she were mine she would surely be working for that money. You are the parent you need to get back in charge . I know that is easier said than done but it's like ok you were out alone and you stole so you won't be going out again unless I';m there. You want to be a cheerleader, I pay 5 dollars per hour of house work so I guess that's when you can get your shoes. You can possibly get an advance on the first pair and work it off but you will save up for the 2nd pair. If you want the money quicker I suggest you start talking to aunt so and so or the neighbor about doing chores but they will be advised not to pay more than 5 per hour. You shoudl start setting some ground rules immediately. say guess what little lady, the rules around here just changed. Also, you did a wonderful job with your older 2. keep up the good work! I have a cousin who has this type of daughter but now shes 15 and only lashes out here and there. overall she is getting her stuff together. Best of luck

www.violetgumdrop.com

well it ok take time out to listen to what he/or she have to say then ask would do that make them feel then u say what u feel and then just try to work it out

all i can tell you to do is pray and keep praying
do you have friends that you can talk to?
or maybe send her to boot camp to straighten her out
i had a friend that went through the same thing you're going throught now
and i told her the same thing
pray talk to friends, whatever it takes to get throught to her

Apply to Supernanny. She can help anyone.

First of all, every child is an individual and although what you did worked for the other children, it may not work for every child.
Secondly, it sounds like to me you are hinting that you are concerned if she was physcially and or sexually abused by her father. You really need to investigate that further.

Thirdly, you have admitted that she was exposed to violence as a child in your marriage and then later on when visiting her father. Children exposed to abuse and violence, even if they were not abused themself, tend to be prone to more violent out bursts.

Fourthly, you express concern over underwear etc., not age appropriate. It sounds like to me you are worried that she is sexually active. If she is acting out, angry, upset it is very likely that she could be acting out sexually as well. The concern of course, is that she could get an STD, HIV or pregnant. You say you have an open line of communication and there is no other way than to ask. If you are still worried, take her for a women's check and get her on birth control anyway.
Fifth, she very well could be using drugs and or alcohol. You can buy a drug testing kit over the counter at any pharmacy and do a test yourself or take her to your regular Dr. and ask him to do a drug test.
Sixth, it sounds like for what ever reason she is very angry, upset and making poor choices. Sounds like she needs individual counseling, you may need individual counseling and I definitely recommend family counseling.

wow that is really hard i think you should get into see a Dr. or someone that she can talk to even if its threw the big brother and sisters club or YMCA something
there might be other problems do you think her father could have maybe done something sexually to her? that is causing this anger?
she need to see a consuler and fast!! maybe also getting her into sports or something else she can throw her anger at hell maybe even boot camp at this point

Spend all the time you spent to write this with your daughter and never never again threaten to send her off with her father that's cruel. You have a new husband, her older siblings have left - it seems like she needs more family time - she may have all material luxuries, but maybe just maybe all she needs is a hug and a talk. A lot of times it is not what you say but HOW you say it. Look at how you are behaving as well maybe she is simply reacting to your behavior.

what you need to do is all the lessons that your paying for Stop. if she won't behave she has no right to priveleges. when she steals something from you press charges. It might seem harsh but your letting her control you. instead of punishing her your just rewarding her because you feel bad about something that happened six years ago. its time to let her no means no. Take everything away. her shoes, her clothes, her tv. she gets her things back when she learns to behave. and by her clothes I mean all of it. just pick out something you pre approved for her each day and until she learns to behave your going to treat her like a toddler. Cell phone cut off, cable cutt off.

You've said you can't afford counseling, but it looks to me like you can't afford not to get some for her. Have you tried calling your local health or family services department? Have you tried talking to the counselor at school? They may know of some resources you could use or be able to offer suggestions. Have you talked to a minister - also a place with lots of resources also the pediatrician. There's a serious issue going on here and if you dump her on her dad, you may lose her forever.

I know you are trying hard. Please try to hang in there and find some help for your family. Good luck.

you both need counseling

Some event has occurred in her life that has caused her to be such an angry person. I think rather then spending the money on extra curricular activities the money would be better spent on counseling for the two of you. You need to take her Dad to court and make him pay child support and provide medical insurance. maybe his insurance would provide her with better mental health counseling than yours does. I would try to find out what may have happened to her the weekends she was staying with her Dad. You could ask her Dad to pay for the counseling services. This problem isn't yours to handle alone. He should be involved and helping you with this at least financially. I know it's frustrating and it would certainly be easier if you could just dump her off on her Dad but you know that isn't that solution. You can go to your regular doctor and he'd be able to prescribe anti-depressants and that may help you handle your situation better. If after looking at all the possible ways to get her into individual counseling you could also look for an anger management group to help her deal with her outburst. Don't give up on your daughter. You have much work to do and I wish you the best. I'll pray for your family. You seem to be a person who is looking for an easy solution and shy away from difficult problems. Why have 6 years lapsed since Dad has paid a dime? This didn't just start happening....her behaviour has probably gotten worse gradually and now you have this huge mess. You need to be the Mom and take charge of your life and your situation.