My daughter is 40 ~ and she's a person I don't like...Help?

I could write an epistle but will make this brief.

I have one child who is now a 40 year old adult and mother of my only grandchild. I remarried about 15 years ago, when she was 25. Through those years, my husband and I have been besides her through of her battles with abuse of prescription drugs, sexual daliances, rants, anger, pleas for financial aid and countless abuse of generosity. (Yes, we 'were' enablers.)

When the phone rings or on rare opportunities we visit, we walk on eggs. Anything can cause an argument - for instance we wanted to see our grandchild open her birthday gift. My daughter said "no she's tired, I'll let her open it tomorrow and she'll give you a call". Our questioning that 'parental right' our phone rang several times a day for 3 days with her anger on 'her right to dictate what her child does.'

There is a growing tension between my husband and I. He wants to move to another state. I'd probably not see my grandchild again.

Say something please....

All I can say is I have empathy for you. I don't think my son uses drugs, but he certainly has abused my generosity because he has no regard or respect for me whatsoever and I live in fear that he won't let me see my only grandchild as well. I could go on and on with what I've done for him and the child, but nothing seems to register, except to respond in a belligerent, arrogant way when he comes around. I don't think we hate our children, but we are sick of this behavior and wonder where it comes from. My therapist says to walk through the fear. When the behavior is unacceptable, we should say it's unacceptable and it has to stop. We are supposed to express our feelings. "When you talk to me like that I feel that you are trying to hurt me"--whatever. I don't think you should move because I think your Granddaughter needs you. Stop walking on eggs and stand up to her. Don't call her names. Tell her how you feel.

God bless you and your family, too. I think a therapist would help you, too. I feel cheated and sometimes want to walk away but I think my Grandson needs me and I sure need him. I think our children need us, too, as awful as they are to be around. Report It

Sorry to hear that your daughter has turned your life into hell. Frankly, you had best prepare for the fact that you may well not see your grandaughter. If you are fearing for her safety, call Family and Children Services.

Frankly it sounds like the whole family could use some counseling.

She's an adult, it's her life. As much as it hurts, move on with your life. Stay in touch with your granddaughter as much as possible, when the kid is 18, she can choose to spend more time with you or not.

If you think your daughter is not a good mother, sue her for custody.

if you love your grandchild, and feel your daughter is not a good parent, maybe you need to step in and handle things.

MOVE!...................... AND SEND FOR YOUR GRANDCHILD LATER.

I'm 56 my 28 year old would treat me badly too . After I took the Myers Briggs personality test online for $5, the results of hers and mine were amazing and even a professional said ESTJ and INFP are like almost next to impossible to have a relationship, the book Nurture By Nature should be a MUST READ for all parents when they are expecting their first

wow. I legally don't know much on this subject, but it does seem that it might be a good idea to contact a lawyer and find out about grandparents rights. Don't let her come between you and your husband. He wants to be there for you, she obviously doesn't.

Moving probably would be better for u. Then u can visit ur daughter when ur ok with her, and forget her issues. When ur close, it's not so wonderful. Absence does make the heart grow fonder.

I feel for you. She sounds very immature and her actions are hurting her child. Can you tolerate her for the welfare of the child? Can you and your husband sit down and discuss it, maybe with a neutral 3rd party?

Try to get her into therapy. You should not abandon your child, but even though she is an adult you need to be firm with her.

i feel bad that u have to be away from ur grandchild, but think about it for a moment and dicuss it, i hope u can make the very best decision.. good luck

**much love**

thats sad...

be honest... tell your daughter whats the problem... let her know that what she is doing is ticking u off at certain buttons...etc... "they never know where to scratch if u never tell them" ... Anyway, since your daughter has an anger and drug problem.. I don't think she will listen... but if you have the patience and love for your grandchildren... give it a shot... work it through.... don't leave it at an "anger" note..

yea i understand ur sit but i mean shes ur daughter u should stand beside her dont enable her but help her she was there b4 he was u need 2 make him wake up and recognize that she was there b4 him and will be there long after hes gone.

Because your daughter seems a bit sensitive and protective, it is best to try and talk it out with her. When she gets mad and starts screaming, don't argue back. Let her finish what she has to say. When she is done ventilating her anger, tell her how she is making you feel and what she is doing to your relationship with your husband. Let her know that you want to see your grandchild every now and then and etc. If that doesn't work, I suggest trying family therapy, it really helps for families who feel tension towards each other. It brings them closer together and creates a stronger relationship.

You have to realize that she is an adult and a mother and the head of her own household. Giving her money, etc. no longer entitles you to dictate what she can do. Please tread carefully, a friend hasn't talked to her grandchildren or her daughter for over a year because of a comment on how her child doesn't cut meat correctly.

Grandparents have rights.....you do have the right to see your grandchild without fear of argument and drama. If I were you, I would consult an attorney on your options.

DONT MOVE AWAY! you have to try & patch things up! you should be able to see your own grandchild!

at least TRY to patch things up! for your grandchild! & for ur sake!

Difficult...
She is the parent, she does have final say in what her child does as long as she is not abusing the child... So in this instance I would not argue with her.
However, the next time she calls for cash or help she also needs to learn to be an adult and stand on her own two feet. I would not help her... If she can make adult decisions about her child and her life then she can be an adult in her actions as well.
Let your grandchild know how much you love her and your daughter...
Moving will not solve the problem....

that's really sad. my mom went throught the same thing with my oldest sister. my mom didn't see my neice and nephew for over a year because she couldn't handle my sisters drug abuse and always needing money. my mom cut all ties with my sister. evenutally, my sister called her. that tough love, got my sister off drugs and made her a better mother.
the decision is yours to make but sometimes you have to suffer til the end of the rainbow.

Move,Tell Her If She Regains Her Humanity To Visit

Sounds like your daughter has an emotional disorder, or she is still using drugs. Look up borderline personality disorder. There is a great book called "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" or "Walking on Eggshells". But a drug user can have the same type of symptoms. She is 40 and you can't control her life. You can only be you. Unfortunately she can decide that you won't be able to see your grandchild and that isn't fair to you or your grandchild. Is she a good mother? Or is the child abused or neglected? If she is the latter, please call the authorities. You could be your grandchild's guardian. Good luck to you.

Your husband comes first...it's that simple

just because someone is blood doesn't mean that u have to like or even love them, if the affection that u feel for ur daughter is not strong enough to get u through th bad times, it may be time to let her go. if she wants a relationship with you, she can find u!

I am so sorry for you. There is nothing more heartbreaking than losing a child to substance, addictive behaviors of any sort, poor choices and maybe some sort of mental issues. It is sad when the only way you can see someone you dearly love is when you are providing them with something they want or need. You become enablers in order to see them and it is not fun being in that position.

You never know when you will be attacked, walked out on or just abandoned with no word for long periods of time. You can't eat or sleep because you worry about what is going on in her life and what turn she will take next. I know what you are going through and it is very, very painful.

I don't have any specific advice to offer you but I do know that you can't continue to blame yourself for all the choices your daughter has made and continues to make. She needs professional help. She takes her anger out on you, even though you are the ones who love her and have tried to look out for her best interests.

We, as parents make mistakes and some are made out of love. There comes a point where you have to live your own life and keep your sanity. Both you and your husband have been very affected by all of this and it tears you apart and does cause the tension that you are dealing with. I know the thought of not seeing your grandchild is terribly painful. You might want to look at the laws regarding grandparent's rights. You are entitled to visitation with your grandchild. I do understand your husband's desire to move away, maybe to just find some peace from the pain.

Please think about your husband's choice to move away. He wants a life for you without the constant chaos. You both deserve to have that opportunity for your own happiness. You cannot change your daughter's way of living; she is an adult and doesn't seem to want to change. Your husband loves you and it is hard for him to see you suffer through all of the chaos. Do not enable your daughter any further. If you choose to give a gift to your grandchild, get a savings bond and keep it in your own home and give it to her when she comes of age. That way, she will have something that will mean something to her one day when she needs it. Give her a card and a small token gift when an occasion arises. Pray a lot for comfort and that your daughter will find a way to seek help.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I understand your heartache.

Refuse to give in to her controlling ways. Live your life the best you can.

This is real sad, but at the same time I believe your husband is right. You should listen to him. He wants what's best for you. I know you love your daughter and granddaughter, but there is nothing you can do. Your granddaughter is her child and she will do whatever she wants whether you like it or not. The problem with your daughter is she is hurting you and if you don't stop it you will get real sick; you'll end up in the hospital. You have to let it go and let your daughter learn on her own.


leave your daughter alone don't call her, don't answer the phone nor see her, let her find out for herself that she needs you. Walk away, let her go and when you see she changes receive her with open arms but only until she does. It will hurt you a lot but your doing it for your daughter and your granddaughter. She will come crying but don't open the door nor answer the phone don't talk to her at all. And if you talk to her tell her she needs to change or she wont be in your life.

If you don't try this she will continue doing the same thing over and over again. She hasn't learn because your always bailing her out of it. She is only using you.

if you are so concerned about your child then maybe you should contact child services. especially concerning your daughter's history on drugs and abusing them. you need to understand...your daughter on drugs is a totally different person. and the ONLY WAY that she will get help is professional help. otherwise...(and i don't want to sound mean) but you will need to cut her out of your life completely. i agree with your husband. if you move far away then that will not give your daughter any more of a chance to come to you so you can continue to enable or support her habit. and i mean completely. move away, change your phone number, address, the whole thing. you need to show her through your actions that you are serious..or she will drag you down with her...alone. cause your husband will be in another state. let go of the feelings and reason with your mind. please. for the sake of everyone. family or not. if you will not accept this kind of treatment from a stranger then family should be no exception.

wow that's a tough one ... I think you should write a long letter to your daughter telling her how you don't like the person she's become and how you had hoped that through her trials she would see you as a constant, someone who always supported her and helped her along. You should also mention that you and your husband are looking into moving away and live your lives, but that you want her and her child to be a part of this life. also tell her how much she hurts you when she calls and that if she chooses to cut you out than that's her business but don't come calling if she gets into more trouble.

what works for some does not work for others.

something i am learning is that you have to take care of yourself first. that doesn't mean you stop caring for or loving your daughter or grandchild.

it means you have to put the focus on what you need. if your marriage is important to you and your husband then that's where your focus needs to be.

once your daughter sees that she cannot control or manipulate you into doing things her way she will change. she just wont change while she has you jumping thru hoops for her.

ask if you can take your grandchild out to lunch or dinner or to a movie or picnic or something and that should be the time to give gifts.

Good Luck and put yourself first