How can i forgive my mother??

All my life she has lied, drank, did drugs and abandoned me with anyone she could. I am 19 going on 20, i have a son and a wonderful fiance. Yes im young but i've been the opposite of my mother; good grades, going to college, never drank or did drugs and i take care of my family the best i can. Yet still after all these years i cant forgive her for all the horrible things that happened to me when i was younger. I feel like an idiot because when she needs me i run to aid her, she cries and I help her feel better yet..i HATE her i don't know if actually do really hate her or i'm just so hurt and bruised inside. How can i get over the past and embrace the changes she has made in the present?

This has made me so depressed and i cry alot because i'm so worried she will go back to her old ways and disappear again. Please dont be rude, this is a serious issue.

Thank you to those who help, I appreciate it so much.

By the way im her daughter :)

I've been there. And it's a heck of a lot for a person to deal with. I'm 42, and STILL have issues, as a matter of fact, I looked at a baby picture of me at 3 yrs. old, and I felt so sorry for that little girl in the picture because she had many days to come to be hated by her mom. Here's an idea....write a letter to yourself as an adult talking to a little girl. Start by writing, Dear (Your name), I saw you on your first day of the 3rd grade, and you were so sad......(just an example)....and as you write you will telling that little girl how things are going to work themselves out if she stays strong and don't forget to explain to her that her mom is really sick, and eventually she's going to get better....)I hope you see where I'm going with this). You start to see you life as a journey and not a bad story to tell. I hope this helps,because it can.

It's hard to trust a parent who abandons a child. You should not feel like an idiot for running to her aide, it shows that you are a loving a caring person despite the way your mom treated you. Try to stay focused on your son and fiance', you should try conseling since you clearly still have issues from your childhood. And I must say good for you, you are the opposite of your mother!

Drea, sounds like you had a pretty sh***y upbringing. But hopefully Mom has changed as you suggested and she may have to show you through her being a great grandparent to your child. Often parents find out too late that they have actually done more harm than good upbringing their kids, so they do attempt to do better with the next generation. As for you always going to rescue your Mom, I imagine this is because of the unconditional love you have for her. Even though at times it may feel like a love/hate relationship. Do allow your Mom to try and make amends through your offspring and hopefully your relationship overall will get back on track and there will be a happy ending to this story. You sound like a very good son, continue to do so as it will come back to you 100 fold. Best of luck.

The reason it hurts so much is because your mother is supposed to be that rock in your life that protects you, nurtures you, loves you, and never hurts you. You had to grow up fast and take up the slack while your mom was being selfish and doing what she wanted to do, right? My mom let me down alot when I was a kid and I grew up thinking I hated her but I didn't. I realized the reason I was still so angry about it was because I still loved her very much. I think it's wonderful that you came out of your childhood the loving mother and person you are but you are never going to be at peace until you forgive her. Believe me, I know. My mom asked for my forgiveness and I forgave her. I haven't forgotten but forgiving has made me be able to let go of the past and move on. Talk to her, tell her how much she hurt you and remind her that she has a grandson now to set a good example for. Thank God that she's changed and tell him the heavy burden that you are carrying around and he will help you and your mother heal. I hope this helps and I will pray for you and your family.

There's a saying that the opposite of love isn't hate.. it's indifference and that goes along with the whole there's a fine line between love and hate.

I don't think you really hate her... otherwise you wouldn't help her out when she needs it.

I think the biggest issue is that you are afraid to really let her in because you don't trust her. The only way for you to really trust her is for her to prove she deserves it and that just takes time. That's the bad thing about trust... it takes a moment to lose it and lifetime to get it back.

Everyday you just need to tell yoruself that the past is the past and you need to live in the future. Be cautious in your relationship with her but know that if she does relapse into her old ways it has nothing to do with you and anything you did. It's a character flaw within herself.

You can try to love her and like I said, just be a little cautious. But also know it's okay to be hurt because you will heal again.

You are who you are because of your life experiences. It sounds like you've learned from her mistakes so you should feel proud of yourself.

I don't know your mother, but I feel angry with her on your behalf. You have been placed in the position of being a parent to your parent and that is so unfair. Don't do it anymore. Let your mother deal with the things that make her cry. It isn't your job to make her feel better. Think about how you will raise your child to become independent and strong enough to one day leave you and have a life of it's own. Isn't it time for your mom to grow up, too? Congratulations to you for staying strong and living a better life. You are inspirational.

Forgive her for your own sake, not for hers. Forgive her because for whatever reason, she made bad choices and chose addiction over her children. If she is clean now, all you can do is to forgive her so that YOU will not have hate eating away at yourself. One thing I would NOT do is to "run to aid her". Forgiveness does not mean enabling. It means, that in your heart you forgive but you then release yourself from that If she cries make a choice NOT to enable her. She may not be addicted to alcohol or drugs at this time, but she can still be addicted to her negative emotions. Gone there and done that. I moved away so that I would not be near my father, and years later I found it in my heart to forgive him. I then realised that I had hated this man all those years, and I could have done it before and released myself from the "pain" of that hate.

You cannot make choices for her or anybody else. If she wants to go back to her addictions she will and there will be nothing you can do about it. If she does, and she does disappear again, then you are going to have to accept that each individual makes choices in their lives, and YOU have to make one in yours. You have a a wonderful son now, and HE should be put first in your emotions. When you are hurting like you are, you are passing that on to your son, whether you realize it or not. Free yourself from the pain and KNOW that YOU are not going to make the same mistakes your mother made. Besides anything else, holding on to that kind of pain will eventually create a physical sickness in you. Let it go and concentrate on YOUR family now and release her and the past.

Been there, Im almost 40 and I havent forgiven her, well I have realized that she just wasnt capable of raising us. I dont go around her anymore at all, I like you am the total opposite of what my Mother was. I suggest you forget it and move on, I found that when I tried to help her she in the end was still just using me, so I just said thats it, Im done.

The easiest way to heal and move on for me was to realize, I dont owe her anything and I dont have to care for her or love her just because she is my mother, she never did me.

As a Christian it is the one thing that I struggle with the most, not forgiving her and loving her anyway.

I just havent found out how yet, it makes me sick to my stomach to have to deal with her.

When you are ready to forgive your mother you will know it and this feeling will come over you like a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. You will know when the time is right and you will accept her for her past (and future) mistakes. What you are feeling is HATE for the choices she made. You may often find yourself doing things for your mom and even saying "I love you" because this is your mom and you still love things about her and always will despite the future choices she makes. You are carrying around a lot of wounds that keep you bruised inside and these bruises are deep and the memories will truly never go away even when you are able to forgive her. I know that you are depressed about the past and these are all similar to post traumatic stress disorder. You will find that holidays are difficult because you do not have the mother you wish for and the security in the relationship or past holiday memories. When you forgive yourself for any guilt feelings you had when you were a child such as not being good enough, and realize you were good enough as you were a child, and this is not the reason she left as children will often blame themselves. Then you will start to forgive your mom and accept her for who she is. To better understand her you have to understand addiction, which leads to impulsive irrational decision making. Your mom most likely is not proud of her past and would change it. You are a mom now and are making all the right choices as best as you can. Being a parent is difficult and there is no such thing as being a perfect parent or having perfect children. You are doing an excellent job for your age - you have a family, are going to college, and making healthy choices. You are on your way to healing your emotions. When you are ready to forgive your mom you will be allowing so much energy to come back into your family, especially for your son. --IF your mom disappears again you will still be able to focus on your fiance and your son, as you will have forgiven her for the past and accepted her for who she is --bad choices and all. You know that she will come back as she always has and when she does you will most likely greet her and tell her you missed her and love her, as you will have reached a knew level of truly loving her and not her choices due to her addictions. Now you must enjoy each day for what it brings and treat it as special as you have been. You have made your mother proud in your life choices - I am sure as I am a mother myself.