I've seen people who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Some speak to people who are not there. Some are religious zealots. Some have problems with paranoia, staying up for days, etc. I understand how people with those issues would need medication to stabilize their behavior. I don't understand, however, how people like my husband are able to get along in life, yet require the same kind of care as those who aren't.
My husband grew up in a home, where his mother catered to his every need. (We're talking like personal assistant kind of things-- scheduling his appointments, handling his personal information, etc. All he had to do was show up, and everything else was managed by her.) When we first started dating, he seemed a little sheltered, and there were times where we would split up, because he just couldn't take the pressures of "real life".
Well, I married the guy 7 years ago, after he decided to grow up and go to work. It seems though, that ever since that burden of "breadwinner" was placed on his shoulders, a downfall of problems have been occuring ever since.
Hospitalizations, problems with alcohol (of which he's been sober for 3 years now), major credit card problems, history of taking off (we're talking to Hawaii and Montana, while I thought he was at work), etc. began to happen. As a result, a doctor diagnosed him with having bipolar disorder.
I'm frustrated beyond belief! I feel depressed, I feel like leaving, but I can't. Why? Because that's just something I was not RAISED to do. I don't drown myself in horror movies only to have nightmares on a daily basis, and then turn around to have a therapist diagnose me with post-traumatic stress disorder because of it.
But yet, here my husband is, claiming that if he was in his "right mind", none of the previous problems would have occured, and that medication has really helped. Today, he comes back with two more medications (ontop of the 2 he's already taking ) for "depression" and as a "sleep aid".
Where the hell is my "sleep aid"? I look at all the crap that I've had to deal with all these years, but I can't rely on "happy pills" to get me through my day! Bipolar just seems as an excuse that spoiled brats use, so that they won't be required to take on the responsibility of real life! Dear MrsMixed-- Wow! I absolutely agree with you! I think if we both had money we'd leave our husbands. Perhaps we need to get out of our co-dependent coccoons and do so. There is so much better out there for us, than these selfish guys who know we'll always be waiting in the wings to allow them to come back and allow them to do more damage. Perhaps we are mentally ill ourselves for putting up with it everytime! I fixed on this, and don't quite know what you meant:
"I don't understand, however, how people like my husband are able to get along in life, yet require the same kind of care as those who aren't."
Aren't what???
At any rate, sounds like you are angry/resentful. Also is there perhaps a little jealousy going on? If you want sleeping pills, go to the doc and get them. And if you are having some depression going on, may want to discuss with physician as well.
Bipolar is a chemical imbalance and highlighted by his trips to Hawaii and Montana, credit card debt, and alcoholism (and very certain there's more). He more than likely has his lows that would be apparent to you as well.
Not sure what is going on with your husband, but Bipolar is a very real and potentially debilitating condition. And anyone who has it would be happy if they could in fact take on the responsibility of real life........ My dad was the same way. My grandma paid all his bills, cashed his checks, cleaned his house while he put his feet up and she was 80 some years old, etc. and now that she's gone he still can't take care of himself. Now he got laid off from his part-time, 3 day a wk not even 8 hr a day job.....and now his sister is the enabler probably giving him food and the like.
I also have a friend-totally sweet but she will up all night sleep all day all the time, lost custody of her son due to drugs (she's clean now), but really has no drive to ever work and gets $500 a month in SSI and I stay home with my 2 yr old have a 4 yr degree and can't find a real job and me and my fiance are barely getting by. It just doesn't seem fair. Plus we've went to several places and no offense the people working there mentally weren't all there-one as a manager at Kohl's telling us what line to go in who could barely even talk but can get better jobs than me as a college graduate. I think we as a society have too much sympathy and the people who all believe that medication crap don't deal with life. So if I gave Prozac to a homeless man he's gonna be happy? No-he needs food, shelter, warm clothes, etc. It doesn't make you happy and would only trick your brain chemicals but is only a cover-up to any real problems or issues in keeping someone happy in life. I guess there is an element of that, I read posts from some and it's hard not to think "just grow up and get on with it." However, there are definitely people who suffer with serious depression and serious personality disorders who clearly don't function as a normal person.
I think the question here though, for you, is whether you believe the situation is going to improve and he's going to get "better" one way or another? If you believe things are going to improve then I agree you should stay. However, although I do believe in sticking things out, "for better or worse..etc" there does come a point where you do have to start thinking of yourself. This scene is clearly ongoing and everything now centres around him and what's happening to him and how anything or everything affects him, his treatments and all the associated problems of the constant medications. If he has real Bi-polar disorder, then that's for life and this is going to be your life, bad times and episodes of mildly better times, but all the emphasis in your relationship is going to be him, not you.
If you truly believe he's making excuses, then perhaps some short sharp shock of you sitting down and saying that you can't cope with it and you're seriously considering leaving could have some impression. I think you'd both need some form of counselling but may be you could get through it. If nothing is going to change then you have to decide, can you really do this for the long haul? Is it in your best interests to stay or is your health, physical and mental, now being put at risk?
You need to ask yourself how much you want this, love will go a long way in helping you get through, but it's not always enough, and you might find that you are both better off making a clean break.
Not an easy thing, this thing you're in, but I think you're right to try and address it and find the right path, right for you as much as for him. I wish you lots of luck. I understand how difficult it is to comprehend bipolar disorder, depression, etc. You can't imagine what it is like to live with the disorders mentioned. It defies explanation in many ways. These diseases are really frustrating to live inside of. They are diseases where your brain is trying to kill your body. The most outrageous things can seem reasonable until you learn to discern the "voice" of your disease. There is a great deal of resistance to being diagnosed with depression and/or bipolar disease. Then you resist staying on medication. Then you discover you can't just stop taking the medications when you feel better, because you won't continue feeling better. Next you think it would be better, somehow, if you could take a low dose, it would seem better than taking a higher dose, because that would mean you weren't really very ill. That is, of course, ridiculous because it takes whatever dose it takes to level a person out. All of this happens because of the social stigma that is still attached to mental illness.
If the issue were high blood pressure, or cancer, or diabetes, there would be, in general, no better understanding of the pathophysiology by the public, but much greater acceptance. As it is now, we who live with these neurotransmitter disorders continue to battle against the notion that we are irresponsible malingerers who just want some excuse for our irresponsible behavior.
It can take more than one medication to balance out brain chemistry. I don't think you can imagine how miserable it feels to not feel in control of yourself. It takes three to six weeks to see if a psychotropic medication is even going to help. If it does, hooray. If not, you must taper off the bad one, and begin the process of starting another and wait to see if it is going to help.
And if you are so fortunate as to find a medication that helps, even though it takes a couple of months to know that, as soon as your brain is leveled out and balanced by the medication, the brain is trying to find a way to cancel out the medication so it can return to the abnormal chemistry it experiences as "normal". Consequently, you can be going along taking your meds and doing well, and then the medication stops working because your brain gets your body to devise a way, over time, to neutralize the corrective medication. It is a strange dance we do to keep from taking our own lives. I am not being over dramatic about that. It can become so miserable and so hopeless feeling that it seems perfectly reasonable to end your life so that you no longer are a burden to your family. It gets really difficult to keep on struggling against the faulty chemistry and the lies that chemistry tells you, because depression does talk to us.
It doesn't help when the people you want to have on your side don't even believe the disorder really exists. There are those who do malinger and argue for their limitations. Those people are perhaps no less sick than others, but their lack of effort to be better make it all the more difficult for those of us who work really hard to be our best selves in spite of the disease.
Finally I will say this. Medication alone is not the answer. It takes a combination of medication, counseling and continual monitoring of one's self, as well as keeping appointments with medical professionals for ongoing evaluation that makes it possible to have any sort of life with these diseases. It is not easy, but it can be done. And definitely some are sicker than others. Some are more motivated to be well than others. It is really frustrating to live inside a body and head with these disorders, but it can be done. Support and understanding make it easier. Being believed makes it easier. Do some research. Read about the specific diagnosis that your husband or mother or daughter or cousin has. Keep asking questions, being open to information that may be hard to swallow. Be glad you aren't the one with the diagnosis, and try to encourage rather than belittle. It could make more difference than you know. i posted a very similar thread a few weeks ago.......boy did i get some stick! But im with you. My husband has it, last month i was expecting him home from work, cooked his tea.......only to find hed rented himself a house!!
Since then hes asked to come home, then left again, over and over again........some days he doesnt talk to me, other days hes phoning in the night to say he cant live without me....and like a sucker i rush down to help him. He left me with no money for me or the kids and ive had to try for benefit and yet im still giving him money cos he uses his as soon as he gets paid.
finally he asked again to come home on new years eve (4th time) and i said no, he wsnt doing it to me anymore.
We had decided we would try again after his session with his therapist and then i found out he had joined a dating site!
Hes trying to tell me now hes sorry, but he cant even seem to understand why im upset...his actual words were im sorry but i dont know why cos ive done nothing wrong!!!
Ive had enough too.......it feels like he can get away with tramping over my feelings and doing what he feels like just because he has bi-polar.........i think bi-polar in some people just means selfish. It's the way he was raised. Now he can't handle any responsibility. Will medication help? It might help help him relax and live in the world that we all have to deal with - but he'll still have to deal with it. I wish you two the best, if you're strong you'll pull through this better than ever. |
