Moved back our wedding 5-6 yrs?

My fiance is wonderful, i love him w/ all my heart, he is the one for me. When we first met he said he wanted to be married & have a family. Later he said he didn't want kids (ok w/me). Then said he didn't want to get married (2 yrs in) I was crushed. My parents were never married, his had a troubled marriage. Two weeks later he proposed. I asked him several times to set this past year and no answer. Finally he says, yes, pick your date we'll do it- summer of next year. I've done all this research and planning, and last week he says he wants to wait till im done w/ school b/c of financial aid. (i want to be a dentist) I see his point, but when i finish dental school i'll be $160-200k in debt. & not able to afford a wedding. He says he loves me and "married me the day he gave me my ring" and would marry me tomorrow, but it's not the right time. I've cried at night all week and he seems unaffected. I think he's scared because his parents marriage was rocky. Am i being a big baby?

Ps I will watit 6 years if i have to, but i don't want to look like a jackass after i've wasted 10 years of my life to marry a man who keeps changing his mind.

I think you should really research the financial aid and see if he does really have a point or if it's just an excuse. My financial aid isn't changing due to marriage but granted I am 30 years old and own my home... so I have no ties to my parents. I would first look to see if there was some truth in his excuse- if it $ cripples both of you and he has no way to go to school... therefore no future.... maybe he is right to wait.

Hmmmm.

Do you really need a big, expensive wedding? If marriage itself is really important to you, and money is his excuse, why not have a small ceremony with just family, then have a big party in a couple of years time. If you suggest this and he makes another excuse, then maybe you should rethink the whole thing. It seems like he isn't really sure what he wants, while you are. Maybe you need to find someone who is as focused as you.

He definitely has a commitment problem. If he "married" you the day he gave you the ring, he would have no problem walking down the aisle and sealing the deal. I would talk to him about it, and tell him that you are ready to commit. If he isn't, ask him why, and see if it can be resolved. It seems like his whole attitude about a marriage and family has been changing for a while now. If you feel you are going in different directions, end it.

You're right...there's no point in finally finishing dental school and staying committed to him the whole time, only to find out he's changed his mind again and doesn't want you at all! Tell him this, and if he doesn't understand, you simply don't have the same beliefs about marriage. I would be so angry just with the fact that I planned a wedding for a certain date, and he pushed it back 5-6 years....sounds like never to me.

He seems to be full of excuses (according to your other questions). Maybe God or Jesus is behind this too?? Just judging from your other posts, I think you need to have a serious talk with him about his willingness to commit to you, through marriage. He may say that you were married when he gave you the ring, but reading between the lines, it seems that he may regret proposing.

No. You're not being a "big baby." I would be upset too if someone asked me to marry them and kept flip flopping on the subject and pushing the date back.
Maybe it is time to re-evaluate your relatiopnship with him. Sounds like he wants you there but doesn't want the BIG commitment/piece of paper. That is not fair to you, dear.
Talk to him about how you feel.

If i were you, I would surprise him one night with a wedding... Have it like in a backyard or something with white lights strung everywhere with a few flowers and you in a simple white dress......just the two of you, a witness, and a pastor or whatever. That way it won't really have to cost much money. If he marries you then and there, then you are golden...if he doesn't, then you definitely need to get out of the relationship. Money is a poor excuse to not get married, so call him out on it!!!

I'm sure you probably won't do this...just a suggestion! But good luck with it and stand your ground!!! =0)

I think hes playing around with your emotions. a guy who is serious about getting married gets married. they dont change their mind a 1000 times. he is using your financial aid for school as another reason to put off getting married. you mean to say he never though of it when he proposed and told you to set a date? hes playing around to try and keep you happy (proposing when he said he doesnt want to marry, saying to set a date when you ask about it) then turning around with some kin dof excuse. I got married and ended up doing back to school for dental hygiene. I'm not going to be in nearly as much debt as you, but nobody said that you needed a big fancy wedding. there are ways to cut costs and do it for alot cheaper. and he seems to have no respect for your feelings. I would sit him down and tell him no more of this. either your setting a wedding date and getting married or your not. like you said, you dont want to waste all these years with a guy who isnt serious about you. (as for his parents marriage...my husbands parents had a really rocky marriage that ended in divorce when he was 8....if anything he wanted to be the marriage that worked in his family, not avoid it)

I personally do not like long engagements....if you are ready and willing to put a ring on my finger and ask me to be your wife, then you are ready to make that commitment as soon as you ask, so waiting another 6 years is ridiculous, he is just putting it off bc yes he is scared. Honey, I couldn't do it...My fiance asked me to marry him in June, and we are getting married in the spring...thats plenty long enough.
You deserve your wedding, and NOW if that's what you want. I am with you on this one, you shouldn't wait that much longer, who the hell stays engaged 7 years?? That is a total SCARED OF COMMITMENT issue with your man.

You need to talk to him, and tell him you want to get married next year like originally planned, and if he doesn't compromise with you maybe he isnt the one for you...If he loves you like you love him he would marry you tommorrow.

It's not like you are fresh outta high school, and need to finish college, you are in medical school!!!! He needs to step up. And you better be 110% sure you don't want kids b4 you get married, b/c those things change too...then guess what you will be fighting over having children.

Sit him down and talk to him.

Good Luck

~~HUG~~

You're not being a big baby. He is.

In six years there's going to be another excuse on why the two of you shouldn't get married. Then another excuse. Then another excuse. He may love you. But he isn't going to commit to you. He needs to get over the past.

I'm sorry your going throught this... My husband had a fear of commitment too. We dated 3 years and I probably pressured him for one year and was crushed by the on again off again. From my understanding, ome couples experience stress when talking marriage because most people had poor examples as a child (aka your parents). But after 2 years of marriage, I realized my life and his have been the best in all our years of living. It's nice to be in a healthy marriage and your not always a product of your parents in all cases.

My husband is a physician an he took out tons of loans, like yourself. I know he paid them off right away, actually faster than my loans. But i don't think money can be the issue, you can make it work. But he needs to be on board, and ready to take the step.

You have to talk to him and mention what emotional imapact it has had on you. I don't think the message board can help any of this. Go out to dinner and have a talk...

just tell him straight that after you finish school you will be worse off money wise so it has to be now or never and you want to be with someone who wants to marry you. tell him that you two wont be anything like your parents and you know it will work out.

i wouldnt want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesnt want to marry wondering if he would just walk out and leave any day.

how can it not be the right time? if he really loves you he should want to make you his wife ASAP.

It sounds to me too that he has a problem with commitment.

If he "married" you the day he proposed that includes the financial situation of support during school. I was lucky to find a man who not only wanted me to return to school but gave me all the support (both emotional and time) that I could ask for.

Talk to him and tell him you are ready to get married. If he refuses to return to the plan the two of you already had in place, then he is not in the same place in life as you are.

Also since he originally told you that he wanted marriage and kids, that sounds like a guy telling a woman what he thinks she wants to hear. Then he changed it to no kids and now he changes it to married several years down the road. You sound like you already suspect that he doesn't want to get married at all and you may be right.

Too many people do not listen to their brain when their heart is in control. As hard as it is, you may have to decide if continuing the relationship on his terms is what is best for you.

I think his excuses are just that. Aside from what he says, you have to decide all for yourself how long you're willing to wait. If it isn't 6 more years, you need to tell him it's time you moved on. I guess you really don't care about having children--that's a big thing to give up on...really think about that one. Will you be content to be 50, and have nobody but each other to fill your lives? If so, ok, but that's a big decision to make.

I personally found (after a long term relationship failed) that if a man really wants to spend his life with you, he will, without anything getting in the way. I dated my last for close to 6 years before I finally said, being a part of a family with someone is really important to me, and if it isn't to you, that;s ok, but I just can't hang around...I moved on, and met someone so wonderful, I cannot even imagine someone like him exisits--we dated 18 months, got engaged, and there were no waiting games, no delays, nothing I had experienced with the other guy...thank God the first guy didn't want to get married!

Honestly, it seems like he doesn't want to get married, but don't want to give you up either. He wants your realtionship to continue, but only under his terms.

I just read your added details about not wanting to go 3 hrs away...you'll see each other weekends...it jsut doesn't sound good at all. I really don't see this resulting in marriage. Not with this guy.

Waiting could be good, then again if he is so willing to marry you, then why does he keep changing his mind? On the other hand if you force it you may lose him. It's tough road your on, best bet is to go the way your heart leads you. Sit down and talk to him, if you feel that he is unconcerned about your feeling, well sweety theres your answer. It's not east I know! But good luck! Btw I was able to put together a beautiful wedding for 5 grand! It's possible and it's coming together beautifully, I just had to cut corners, and be a little frugal. (Which I already am, my fiance laughs at me) Congratulations on the engagement. And I hope everything works out how you want!

That really sucks the way he is being so wishy-washy. I would tell him I wanted to go ahead and get married. But no you are not being a big baby. You need to know if he is serious or trying to play you. You don't want to start spending money just to find out he's post ponning(sp) agian.

Thats really a shame. I remember your questions from a few weeks ago and you were all excited and planning and getting ideas. What a change from then to now, huh?

I can only tell you an experience that I watched someone I loved go through. My sister dated a man she met in college, he had always said they would marry someday, but never would propose, and she just waited and waited. They dated for 9 years, living together for 7 of them. One day she comes home and sees a letter from a travel agent, thinking its the itinerary for a trip they had planned, she opened the letter and instead of finding their itinerary, she found his itinerary with another girl (who was actually engaged at the time, my sister had recently gone to their engagement party). She confronted him and he told her that he loved this other girl and not my sister. She kicked him out and called the fiance of this girl and clued him into what was going on and a year later we found that he(my issters boyfirend) and this girl were happily married. It seemed that he did want to marry, just not my sister. He was just keeping her around until the right girl came along. This way he didnt have to miss out on a warm bed at night and someone to cook and clean for him.

When ever I hear stories like yours i think it sounds an awful lot like what my sister went through, and she DID wind up wasting 9 years of her life on a man that had no intention of marrying her.

I think you are better than what this man wants to give you, you are too good to be made to wait around for him to decide if you are what he really wants forever or what he wants for right now.

Best of luck to you.

I"M SO SORRY!!!
Calm down, Breathe. Crying will make you feel better.

Are you already enrolled in Dental school or is that just a project of yours? If you don't mind answering, how old are you? him?

I understand your concern. It seems that marriage is not his priority and he's thinking about other things. His parents bad story ,I'm sorry to say, it's a lame excuse. The truth is that he doesn't want to get married because he's not convinced and not ready, but you are, and that's unfair.
He's also using the excuse about your school not to marry you. That's not accepting responsability and he's blaming you and washing his hands. 10 years is a long time and in six years anything can happen and it seems more like a sugar coating the fact that he doesn't want to. He wants you around and doesn't have the guts to either marry you or break up with you.

May I suggest couple's counselling. Some men get cold feet and clam up. If you are in tears, he will back off and say nohing. You guys need to communicate in a calm manner to be able to come to an agreement or at least know wht is going on. Hold your tears and try to talk in a non-accusatory manner, LET HIM TALK, listen to his reasons, you'll be surprised of what a guy has to say when given the oportunity to talk.

Hang in there and good luck

It sounds like you're still in your undergrad program. Please concentrate on college and on getting into dental school (no small feat). This guy might be there or might not when you're in dental school. The relationship will probably work out for the best one way or another, but you need to focus your energies on your education or it will not happen.
Good luck.

D/ "future" mrs silac,
Marriage is not the time you received your ring. Emotions are special with female gender. Males usually are not as sentimental as females. Ask yourself,whether you are within your family cultural parameters. Keep yourself cool and try
"meditation". Time will make you act in proper direction. Don't make any type of haste. Be firm to assess your financial capabilities.

Hi. I really feel bad for you because, as you say, "he is the one for me," but really.....sit back and read your post. This guy is jerking you around.

First, he wants to get married and have kids.
Oops....."no I don't want to have kids"
Then 2 years in...."I don't want to get married"
Then just 2 weeks after that "oh yea, I do want to get married...here is a ring."
Then....I don't want to pick a date.
Then, "OK....go ahead and pick a date."

Then you set the date and then he changes his mind again.
Question: What is going to happen if you do stick around until you finish dental school? I'm sure by then he will come up with another excuse to not get married.

I am really sorry, and I don't want to be mean....but this guy is using you and jerking you around. Get rid of him and finish dental school and find someone else!

wake up honey he never is going to marry you he is giving you any and every excuse not to marry you and you are feeding right in to it he also might be thinking " why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free" let him know how you feel and tell him to sh*# or get off the pot you deserve to be married and happy

NO - you're not being a big baby. Your reaction is the reaction that any reasonable human being would have to this situation. The ' he married you the day he gave you the ring' comment seems like BS to me - no offense. If that were true, then he would have no problem sealing the deal. If money is an issue - like it is for many people - then just have a very small wedding or get married by a judge or JOP. What he's saying sounds to me like a paraphrase of "This whole marriage thing scares the crap out of me, but I don't know how to say that". He may very well be freaked out because of his parents' marriage.

Pursue your career and go to dental school. Do not wait around and invest 10 years of your life in a relationship that is not certain.

Finally, scrape together the money and go see a professional relationship counselor. That person will be able to help you sort out the real problem.

So sorry you have to deal with this. All the best to you.

EDIT: Blunt is spot on, as usual :-)

If you want a source or reference for what I am about to say, you will not get it. But this guy will not marry when you are done with school. If he is not willing to marry you know, he never will be. And if by some chance he "gives" in, it will not last.
This is his way of trying to be honest with you, he would rather you broke it off. He does not want to get married either at all or to you.

Look, it's a hard pill to swallow, but he is NOT the one for you - not if you want to marry and have a family. He will always have an excuse. The ring was just to placate you and keep you on simmer for a longer time.
If you want marriage, and he doesn't, he's just not the right guy. Sure you may love each other, but just aren't the right match for marriage.
Go on with your schooling, start your career, and things will be VERY different with your feelings and maturity after several years, and you'll be in a different place as a mature woman to choose a stable, loving, mature man.