1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won鈥檛 miss a call from someone we didn鈥檛 want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 鈥檖olitics鈥?to describe the process so well: 鈥橮oli鈥?in Latin meaning 鈥檓any鈥?and 鈥檛ics鈥?meaning 鈥檅loodsucking creatures鈥?br>
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM鈥檚 with Braille lettering.
11.Only in America.....Will you go to a restraunt in seaworld and ask for bandaids and get mayonise
EVER WONDER Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can鈥檛 put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don鈥檛 you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click .."?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn鈥檛 there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn鈥檛 Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don鈥檛 they make the whole plane out of that stuff??
Why don鈥檛 sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
鈥斺€斺€斺€斺€斺€斺€斺€?- In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that鈥檚 the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it鈥檚 "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco鈥檚 Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." ...
On Boot鈥檚 Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I鈥檓 taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On Sunsbury鈥檚 peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child鈥檚 superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don鈥檛 blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) umm i'm sorry for posting it then?
i found it on a friends facebook and thought it was funny.
i was just wondering if anyone else thought it was.
so is that so horrible?
holyy shittt. I think its funny :]
thanks for sharing!
and whats sad is that it's not just in america! I can鈥檛 believe people said 鈥渢o long to read鈥?
I have seen this before (but only in England..) and this was hilarious and so where the labels.
My favourite;
On Sunsbury鈥檚 peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
HA!! Somebody posted this a while ago.
Not really funny. I've seen this before, yes, funny indeed. The warning labels were especially good. Very clever. Thanks for sharing. no, i dont see anything hilarious about this george carlin routine. very cool you should have tried breaking this into 3 questions.. its tooooo much to read !..lol
well i did read a little. and yes, its funny :D haha! yes! its hilarious. i love it =) I get points for reading a joke? Is this how one advances in Y!A? I read it all.
I'd like to add:
Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
LOL
Thanks for the laugh. Yes!!! I've read this before and I wish I knew who wrote it. Does anybody know? Thanks for posting this!!!! Hahahahahah very funny indeed !!!!
What a strange world we live in ! that was nice. lol but seriously noah...why DIDNT you swat those damn mosquitoes? lol hey that was interesting and fun! thank's!=D ya too long yup they are lol yes it is a bit funny Wow - you could do an entire hour of being a stand-up comedian!
~ SO, THEREFORE ~
Only in America, why can't performing comedians sit down?!
Yes, this is all hilarious ! Thanks and a star coming your way! You got this off of a website didn't you??
That's plaguerizing buddy..... | 