This was taken from the middle of Ch. 11, so the jumble of names might be a little confusing. It's also just the first draft, no revision done what so ever. So I know there's a plethora of grammatical/spelling errors. It isn't spaced correctly, either, since I pasted the text directly from a word document, and it took out the double spacing/indents.
But it would be dandy if you would take a gander and share your thoughts on it.
Thank you!
鈥淒o you know anyone named Gabriel Lansing?鈥?I asked Leon and Theo.
They shared a look with each other before saying, 鈥淲hy?鈥?simultaneously.
That was all I needed from them to see that they did know him and it was probably a very bad thing that Felix was on his way to find him as we spoke.
鈥淔elix just told me they found out that he鈥檚 involved in The Awakening and he just left to 鈥榯ake care鈥?of him,鈥?I spoke frantically.
They exchanged glances again, but didn鈥檛 look frightened. I looked back and forth between them, confused by their lack of concern.
鈥淕abriel died shortly before you were recruited, Cadence,鈥?Leon said. 鈥淗e was attacked by a band of outcasts while he was spying for us in Virginia.鈥?br>
I furrowed my brows, 鈥淭hen why would Felix think he was going after him?鈥?br>
Leon shrugged, but looked troubled. 鈥淲hy would he know his name in the first place?鈥?He asked to no one in particular.
鈥淲e never did find the body鈥︹€?Theo trailed off.
鈥淒o you think he never died after all?鈥?Leon asked him.
鈥淗e could have deserted,鈥?Theo said. 鈥淥r maybe the government just now noticed his unexplained absence and assumes it鈥檚 because of The Awakening.鈥?br>
鈥淏ut then how did they actually find him?鈥?I asked. 鈥淔elix said that they had found him and he鈥檚 leaving to deal with him right now.鈥?br>
鈥淵ou should have gone with him,鈥?Leon told me.
鈥淚 tried,鈥?I said, 鈥渂ut he wouldn鈥檛 let me. I had to work just to get the name out of him.鈥?br>
Leon pulled out a sleek cell phone and dialed a number quickly.
鈥淐onrad?鈥?he said as the other end picked up. 鈥淧ut the cameras on loop and get to The Owl ASAP.鈥?br>
鈥淟et鈥檚 go,鈥?he said to Theo and I as he hung up.
The chill of winter was just beginning to melt away into the early spring of late February. The school grounds were empty as we ran across them, through the river and a ways into the woods.
We stopped when we were sure we couldn鈥檛 be seen from the grounds and waited for Conrad. About a minute later, we heard him coming. When he came into view, I saw that he had brought Wesley and Ronan with him.
We went straight to Nexus when we reached The Owl. Anyone that saw us on our way stopped what they were doing and followed us curiously. By the time we got to the great room that housed Nexus, our party had grown from six to twenty.
鈥淣exus,鈥?Leon said to the computer after switching it on. 鈥淧ull up all information you have regarding Gabriel Lansing, please.鈥?br>
鈥淕abriel Lansing,鈥?Nexus said instantly, pulling up a birth certificate. 鈥淏orn March 15, 2191 to John Adam Lansing and Miriam May Albertson Lansing in Richmond, Virginia. Recruited to Grisha Academy September of 2209 to be a major in physics, recruited into The Awakening November 4th, 2209. Participation recognized in multiple covert missions.鈥?Nexus then let dozens of official mission documents flash before our faces. 鈥淒eath suspected on September 23rd, 2211. Cause suspected: Hostile attack, body not found.鈥?br>
鈥淐an you find any government documents relating to Lansing?鈥?Conrad asked the computer.
A single sheet of paper appeared in front of us. It was a police report from the town of Salem, Oregon.
Nexus read the report out loud for us, 鈥淒ate: February 19, 2212. Missing person Gabriel Lansing has been identified via elevator camera in the Salem shopping mall. This report has been sent to the Bureau of Missing Persons in hopes to aid in the safe return of the individual to his family.鈥?br>
Below the paragraph were two pictures side by side. On the left was a shockingly attractive young man smiling brightly out at us in an official academy photo. The photo to the right was not in as good of quality as the other, but the man could be seen clearly enough to make it obvious that the man in the elevator - looking up at the camera with a look of dread on his face - was Gabriel Lansing.
There was a hum of confusion in the room as the members realized that Gabriel had faked his own death to desert them.
鈥淭hat report was sent out yesterday,鈥?Theo said. 鈥淎nd you said that Grisha just went after him before you came to us?鈥?he asked me.
I nodded, 鈥淗e had just told me he was leaving before I came to tell you.鈥?
鈥淪alem is a test town,鈥?Wes muttered. 鈥淚s that a coincidence?鈥?
Leon鈥檚 eyes widened slightly, 鈥淧robably not,鈥?he said. 鈥淲e need to get to him before Grisha does.鈥?br>
It's ok, but sprinkle some more actions in between dialogs, a personal opinion, though A bit too much dialogue, but it's very creative. I like it. Good luck. Not terrible To be honest, I think there's way too much conversation in here. And that's not necessarily bad, the bad part is, is that it's just one-liners which makes it very incessant for the reader to go though. I also think that you should add a bit more detail if you're going to have that much conversation... like how they say it: passionately, annoyed, with concern, unsure, etc. |
