THE NEW KID
"So Lily how'd you enjoy the holidays," came the perky voice of my best friend Cameron from somewhere down the hall. As she came closer I could tell she had dyed her hair another shade of brown darker. Ever since she died her hair blonde in 6th grade she'd been tryin' to restore it to its natural color. (nobody really liked it blonde.) So to keep it fom turning a wierd color she died it in shades, darker and darker about once a month.
I figured I should answer her question before she realized I was looking at her hair and got all paranoid. "Oh," I started. "Well, you know it depends on how you define enjoy, 'cause if stayin home with your two abnoxious 7 year old brothers while your friend is on a cruise having a blast, is enjoyable in your vocabulary then yeah I enjoyed my holidays."I laughed. Carmen obviously didnt mind my sarcasm. In fact she probably thought it was funny, listening to me jabber on about my suckish vacation while she had been on a cruise tanning with hot lifeguards with nothin to do. "Lily you have no idea how much i've missed you."She said lowering her voice to barely above a whisper. "Oh and Chase too but you probably already knew that." She was right I had known that, it was written all over her face so I wasnt shocked by her next question. " So um where is Chase by the way?" I smiled of course, Chase was always in the back of her mind. "How should I know am I your lover's keeper?" Carmen glared at me, "he is not my lover," she whispered,"yet."
"Speaking of lovers I heard we were getting a new student." Carmen said making an obvious change of subject. I mean, since when did the topic of lovers have any thing to so with getting a new kid, but had I pointed this out to Carmen she probably would have found a way to link the two subjects. So instead I decided to just let it go. "So where excactly did you here about this new kid?" Carmens face lit up appearantly thinking I hadn't noticed the subject change. "It doesn't matter but I heard he is super hot!" I laughed typical Carmen. "Oh don't let Chase hear you say that, he'd be heart-broken." Carmen smiled, "I'm Sorry who's Chase again?" She joked knowing as well as I did that she would never forget Chase. "Oh I'll remember to tell him you said that." "Ugh! Fine I'll remember that tonight when I'm picking out your birthday gift. Which reminds me what do you want." I pretended to concentrate, "Oh I don't know a car, a house, my parents to extend my cerfew past 4:30, oh and a date to the dance next month perferably one that doesn't wear a barbeque stained t-shirt and converses with the toe part busted out to a fancy restraunt. But any of those things would be miracles and unless your tinker bell with enough fairy dust to make a cow fly then I'm screwed." Carmen glared at me she always hates it when I mention boys or dates or the lack of both. "Lily," she murmered through her teeth. " For the last time you are going to have a date for the dance and Stephen was a really great guy just one with really bad taste in clothing." She laughed probably remembering me calling her at midnight that night to tell her about that aweful date. I was crying into the phone and she was laughing her head off. And looking back now it ws pretty funny, but for goodness sake he had a piece of steak stuck in his teeth the whole time and when he tried to kiss me that night I had to lie and say I was afriad of getting mono. The poor boy probably thought I was crazy. He never asked me out again thats for sure. I still see him in the hallway now and then though.
"And," Carmmen said breaking my consentration "even if no one else asks you you know Jake would go with you." She said it if it was the most obvious answer in the world. "Carmen you know me better than that. You know you can't take your best friend to a dance!" "Well, God, Lil beggars can't be chosers." The first period bell rang and as I reached my locker I turned and saw an unfamiliar blonde boy about 6'2 walk into my math class. and in small school like emerald you know just about everyone, but glancing back at the door I was pretty sure Id remember seeing someone like that. I slammed my locker door shut and ran to class, sitting in my seat just as the tardy bell rang. It wasn't until Mr. Chris got there that I saw the new kid again. He was two seats to my right and one seat down and Carmen was right he was super hot.
Mr. Chris made his way to the front of the room doing role call. "Alright everyone mouths
shut pencils out. Class has started and we have a test." Every one groaned. Mr. Chris had been teaching for a pretty long time and he had either learned to tune out unimportant noise or he needed a new hearing aid. " Oh and we have a new student, Mr. ummm oh whats his name?" The boy I had seen earlier stood up. "Are you talking about me?" Our teacher smiled "Yes, of course there you are mr-" He looked at a sticky note on his desk. "Jason Miles, Class this is Jason Miles," he re not awful, except you need to go back and fix your grammar. Don't say "oh I'm only 13" because I'm thirteen and my teachers taught me grammar. I think it is good. You should try editing your novel though. Otherwise, it's pretty good. Your on your way to be the next Spielberg. 1. There are a LOT of spelling and punctuation errors, so I'm not going to correct them all, but your computer should pick those up, no worries.
2. You need to didvide it into paragraphs, i.e. new paragraph whenever someone talks. Just so your readers aren't overwhelmed by one big paragraph.
3. It's not the kind of think I personally would read, since I'm not into that high-school-romancey-hot-guys-type of thing, but I know quite a lot of people who would, so don't let me stop you.
4. Actually, aside from the above points, the story grabs you right away. The character of the teacher is really funny, he reminds me of some teachers I've had! Your characters are totally believable. It makes readers want to see how the story unfolds.
5. Love how much description you use. Description is VERY important. very good, you seem off to a good strat, i would definitly read it. show me more please : ) It's a good story, yet try to use proper English instead of slant. Yet it is still very good :) Lol, I wish i was that good at thirteen! It needs some work, but it is definitally a good beginning. Know when to seperate paragraphs, and use grammer correctly, and you should be good. Keep it up! An interest in writing novels at thirteen is a great start! :-) |
