How is my essay its for a 97point test for language arts? If anything is wrong tell me asap!?

Do you have a hero or heroine? Well, I do and she is the best, greatest person ever. I have only known her for a year, but she has changed my life immensely. Her personality is extremely incredible, and she can help me with anything. Ann Davies, my previous health teacher, is my heroine because she is helpful, inspirational, and very supportive.

To illustrate why she is my hero, she aids people when they are in need. Her thoughtful mind helped me think about the good in the future, instead of worrying about it. I can tell her anything and she will keep it to herself and what ever it is she can make it better. My teacher helped a middle school student that battled Leukemia, a type of cancer, and could not do everyday things that a normal person could furthermore made life better for them so it they were not scared or afraid but what they were dealing with, and that is someone that I want to be when I grow up. Not only is she helpful with people, but she is also very supportive.

Miss Davies is my heroine because she aids people when they in need, she is inspiring and sympathetic. It is incredible that she is a person that can help me with anything. She can make me laugh when I am sad. My idol is funny just like Jacob Black, a character in the Twilight series, with his incredibly funny blond jokes. So, do not pick Paris Hilton, a model and a person who drinks too much, as your heroine just because she is a celebrity. Your hero or heroine could be a teacher or a friend, so pick wisely.

There could be a few changes that could be made:
Paragraph #1: when you say extremely incredible, its like a double positive if you get what i mean, it should probably read, "Her personality is incredible as she can help me with anything."

And in the last paragraph you from, "like Jacob Black," to "drinks too much" because #1 it sounds lame and #2 it doesn't match the voice of the rest of your paragraph. Find another filler for it. I would also add a concluding paragraph to that to and restate your thesis at the end.

Meh, Youll probably get low b, high c.
It needs better transitions. Keep the into paragraph though.
Change the part where it says "To illustrate why she is my hero"
that part sounds like a 2nd grader wrote it
Revise it to appear in a more professional way

Its pretty good.......keep it up!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you have a hero or heroine? Well, I do and she is the best, greatest person ever. I have only known her for a year, but she has changed my life immensely. Her personality is extremely incredible, and she can help me with anything. Ann Davies, my previous health teacher, is my heroine because she is helpful, inspirational, and very supportive.

To illustrate why she is my hero, she aids people when they are in need. Her thoughtful mind helped me think about the good in the future, instead of worrying about it. I can tell her anything and she will keep it to herself and say whatever it is she can make it better. My teacher helped a middle school student that battled Leukemia, a type of cancer, and could not do everyday things that a normal person could. Furthermore, she made life better for them by not making them afraid of what they were dealing with. That is someone that I want to be when I grow up. Not only is she helpful with people, but she is also very supportive.

Miss Davies is my heroine because she aids people when they in need--she is inspiring and sympathetic. It is incredible that she is a person that can help me with anything. Miss Davies can make me laugh when I am sad. My idol is funny just like Jacob Black, a character in the Twilight series, with his incredibly funny blond jokes. Therefore, do not pick Paris Hilton, a model and a person who drinks too much, as your heroine just because she is a celebrity. Your hero or heroine could be a teacher or a friend, so pick wisely.

Good job, just a few revisions.
Hope I was of help. :)

not bad.
but use the term people who, not people that..
and too much repetition, especially of the words incredible and supportive.
expand a little on "her personality is extremely incredible" say something specific instead.
a student who battled leukemia , not that battled.
the word that should only be used to describe inanimate objects or animals, it is always people who...
instead of pick Paris, use the word choose
helped me to think positively about the future, instead of think about the good.
that a normal person could furthermore... something missing here, start another sentence or something, but it all runs together a bit too much.

generally though , I think you did a pretty good job, and no spelling mistakes.
I wold give you an A.
withmy suggestions you can make it A+.