Is there any hope for a better life? (Disabled, low / fixed income)?

Hi, I'm John. I'm 23 years old. I have Bipolar Disorder type 2 and have severe depressive episodes on a regular basis. I live with family, as I can't afford to rent a normal apartment, and definitely can't afford house payments. I do not own a car, as I can't afford one, and cannot afford insurance payments. I recently earned my driver's license with help from my family. I receive SSI Disability Benefits totaling $673 monthly, and this all I have to show for income. Through years of hospitalization and treatment, I have become more stable but there is no cure for what I have. Treatment is not always successful, and I will have to take medication for the rest of my forseeable life.

Since as early as age 12 I have loved computers and video games. I knew when I grew up I wanted to make video games for a living. I did a lot of independent research on how video games are made as I was growing up, and started to learn some entry level programming. In Fall 2006 I enrolled in a local community college with much financial help from friends and family. I also received some financial aid from the government via a Pell Grant. I was feeling very hopeful about my life at this point. I would be the first person in my family to go to college. I boldly tackled a full 12 credit hour schedule. At first things went okay, but after a few weeks my assignments started to pile up. I had more homework and obligations than I had time. My grades were falling from incomplete assignments and I was soon forced to drop classes or have permanent negative marks on my average grades.

In Spring 2007 I tried again, this time only taking on half of the classes as before. Again, things were going well, but 6 weeks into the semister I went into a depressive cycle due to Bipolar Disorder. I lost appetite. I lost energy. I lost willpower. I soon found it difficult to get out of bed in the morning, regardless of how much sleep I had the night before. I lost interest in friends. I couldn't concentrate in class or on homework assignments. I started to worry a lot. The stress was building. Nine weeks into the semister, I broke down. I spent eleven days in my dorm room sleeping and crying. I didn't eat much, only snacking on junk food that I had in my room, and I only left my room to use the bathroom or get a drink. I returned to class on Wednesday to find that I had missed a major test in both classes, and several homework assignments. ...Deja vu.

I had only just made it inside my dorm room when I collapsed under emotional stress. I sat crying in the corner for three hours before going into the bathroom and overdosing with a two month supply of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. I didn't bother telling anyone what I was doing. This wasn't a plea for attention. I just wanted to die. I was tired of being a failure to myself and my family. I was tired of wasting their money and continuously disappointing them. I wasn't interested in being an inconvenience to anyone anymore. The next day, campus security found me in my dorm room in a coma. I was taken to the ER and when I woke up, I was in a psych ward.

I was released after three weeks, and was placed on even more medication. I went back home, depressed and shameful. I had to do months of outpatient therapy and guinea pig testing different med combinations and levels before being restabilized. After seeing my latest catastrophic failure, one of my biggest supporters in my family gave up on me, saying I was a "complete loss," and a "total waste." I was forced to move out, and I now live with the last supportive family member I have left.

It has been three and a half years since my suicide attempt, and whether I'm ready or not, I need to do something with my life. I still aspire to learn programming and make video games later in life, but that's kinda hard to do without a college education. I'm not eligible for financial aid anymore due to failing two government funded semisters in a row. I feel that's their way of saying "You're not worth our time either, kiddo." My family is by no means rich. Most of them live modest lives and like most people I know, they barely make it between paydays. While some of them are still supportive, they're limited on how much financial support they're willing, or able to commit.

I don't know what the first step is. I don't even know what my options are. I'm sorry I couldn't ask a more specific question. I'm kinda lost at this point. Any ideas?

Also it's worth mentioning that because of the way SSI works, if I get a job and start earning money in addition to my SSI, my SSI goes down by the same amount I earn. If I start making more than my SSI check, my SSI check disappears completely. If I ended up losing my job, I'd have to wait god knows how long (with no monthly income) to get my SSI back. I can't chance that, I'm too unstable.

I wish you had posted this before your bad experiences with college. There are disability services offices at colleges that can help you when these things happen. If they know you have bipolar you could have made up those tests. You could have gotten extra support when things started to pile up.

That is still possible.

Online schools are not the greatest yet. They are improving, but I don't think they make sense for a full degree.

Have you received any services from your state rehabilitation department? They migth be able to get you back into school with accommodations so you can be successful. But you are really going to have to work to convince them that you are worth the effort for another chance.

WOW...

Taking medication is a small price to pay if you truly want that independence and freedom. You should also have it reevaluated if it is not working anymore. I work with kids and sometimes they have been on the same dosage for years and their parents usually say something like "He was doing fine with medication, but now it isn't working" DUH, he is older now, hormones are different, what worked when he was 10 wont always work when he is 16.

Second, go to a support group. You will meet others like yourself and that will help provide support as well as lasting friendships.

You could try to take as many classes online as you can. This is right up your alley because you would be on the computer (which you like anyway) as well as be working towards that degree of yours.

Also, look for scholarships. There are alot out there and im sure you;ll qualify for one.

Your situation is unfortunate, but you have play with the cards that you are dealt, everyone does. A good way to get notice by game developers is to get into developing mods for existing games. For example the group of guys ( Trauma Studios) who made the Desert Combat mod for Battlefield 1942 got hired by EA/Dice to develop games for them. They ended up developing Battlefield 2: Modern Combat. THQ then hired them to develop Frontlines: Fuel of War. Even Valve uses player-made maps whenever they release updates to TF2. Game publishers and developers are always on the lookout for new talent. It should be noted that it's far easier to get noticed in the PC game community than it is for console games. Since consoles games typically don't come with or even support free SDK's like many computer games do.

It seems that you've burned some bridges. Unfortunately that's on you. You could try to get part time job to pay for classes. You could also try some private-sector charities for help, or you could see if any of your friend's and family would be willing to help you out one more time. Good luck.

Well you can work part time to supplement your income, you could go back to college to get retrained. If you are interested in artistic endavors such as writing, fine arts, acting, etc you could work on these to the point where you get paid so well you wouldn't need SSI.

Wrong. If you earn $85 nothing happens to your SSI check. Every 2 dollars over $85 - you lose one. Don't make it worse than it is.

You can have 9 months of trial work. No risk.

While I cannot say I totally understand how you feel, I do hear where you are coming from. I never finished high school and since I was 23 I have been trying to get a college education. I am manic. After 10 years and 8 attempts at college courses that I ended up having to drop before completing a single class because of all of my "crazy crap". I finally found the right medication combo and actually completed two classes.

Things change, it's not always what we want it to be, but I think we can get there. It may be really hard or take a long time and we may have to give a lot but it can happen.

Best of luck to you. Believe in yourself.

It almost sounds as if you are basing your whole life on a college degree? Life is more than that.
Yes there is hope, but maybe you need to reevaluate and see what your priorities are.
Sometimes we need to start with the basics. Family, relationships, love : that is where you might want to start. Show appreciation for your remaining supporting family and start making amends to the rest. How about just getting a small job to start with, anything that you are capable of and set about showing you are responsible and can keep your word. Then you can do other things to feel good about yourself: eat healthy, exercise, maybe find someone to talk to about all this?
Dont give up!

!st accept you disese as one dose with diabeties track your eppisodes learn how to live with it some of the most famous and fithy rich have the same sometimes food and meat hormones double your trouble lack of sleep and then u end up pill pushed and tottally deregulated in to the hands of the state and evryone sweeping u under a carpet evryone walking on eggshells around u somtimes its seasonal evryone is different but ohboy the bridges that burn when u trip out right u can get r self under controll and sore out of it all u should while all this let them put u threw school dont take to much on get to know r point of stress there are ways of living and succeding in life and yes do r game thing go to collage to futher it any relationships u have tobe honest about r struggle but i bet r creative use r bipolar to create turn it around and keep a journal tracking r ups and downs the dates u will find u can catch it be fore it begines like ok i need alone time and sleep i need to get all this mental kayoss scatterd thoughts out lock away and create do art what ever to release some people lock them selves away from people and create there best in those periods others drink take it out around people and end up back in the med adusting ward relationships family they dont know when to leave u alone they actually make it worse so u have to explain and pull away and deal it alone so noone else is affected it sucks but its possible to rise above

You've been through allot. Yes there is hope for you. I've seen online college courses that offer financial aid and scholarships.

If your income is way low go for a scholarship. Only take a course or two finish it then take another one so you don't get overwhelmed.

My youngest son has bi-polar disorder so I understand the mood swings you go through. I know it is very hard at times.

Taking on too much at once causes you to be over loaded and feel defeated. Be kinder to yourself and only study 1-2 classes at a time. It might take longer to graduate but at least you could finish. I wish you good luck.