Editing help!!!!!!!10pts best answer!?

How can I make this lab write up stronger??

Procedure: To conduct this experiment 12 pairs of students collected twenty four critters and hatched them at two different temperatures. To make sure we accounted for any possible variation we made sure that there was 12 critters subjected to warm temperature and 12 critters subjected to a cooler temperature. Each pair of students were given to beakers and a stirring rod to aid them in testing their hypothesis. One beaker was to be filled with water warm water while the other at a much lower temperature. Once students collected their water were then responsible for keeping track of the initial time we exposed the creature to either temperature and the speed in which it hatched. We were given a stirring rod to help keep the critter submerged in the water and by stirring at a consistent speed we were able to help with the rate of time in which the critters hatched.

Separate your lab report into categories.
List :
Purpose
materials
Procedure
Observations
Conclusion

Be specific on types of critters. and temperatures, and other details.. What did you observe? What conclusion can you make?

First: It's nice to see a student trying to improve on the work they've done.

Second: I agree with Science Teacher. Break it down into the basic steps: hypothesis, etc. Also, make some visual aids: A graph displaying the temperature and the rate of time for each group, a drawing/diagram or photo of the setup.