I found out my husband saw prostitutes before we met!!!!?

I'v been married 3 years. Well guess what? Stupid me found and READ his journal he had been keeping after his divorce 6 years ago and before he met me 4 years ago. Turned out that during those 2 years he had gone to see prostitutes on more than one occasion.

I asked him about it and he got really mad understandably that I read his journal, and I feel terrible for that, but it doesn't diminsh how very upset I am about the prostitutes. He did use protection, he has been tested for AIDS since then. Safety isn't an issue now. But TRUST is! He claims he saw the prostitutes because he wanted to have sex, but didn't want to have to lie to a woman and tell her he wanted a relationship too.

This makes me so worried that if he would pay for sex then, what would stop him from doing it while he's married. It is so easy for a man to cheat, expecially if he's willing to pay for it. There are women advertising themseves everywhere it seems and he could be cheating in 20 minutes if he wants.

Good lord woman you don't have any right to be crying about trust when he didn't do anything to violate your trust but you did violate his trust.

What he did before he met you is none of your business nor should it matter. He told you he paid for sex so he didn't have to lie and use a woman. This makes him more honorable then any man I have ever known and if you don't want him by all means let him go so a decent woman can have him.

You are worried for nothing. You should be begging for his forgiveness than worrying rather he will cheat on you. If this is all he has done then you don't even deserve this man. OMG I can't believe you are worried about this. If his marriage vows isn't enough for you to know he won't cheat than nothing will be.

so that was then this is now get over it

It was before you met don't worry about it. The best sex is free sex with someone you love.

Your husband did not disclose this to you for a reason. Don't give him any more reason to think he was right for (not) doing so.

He wore protection, has been tested, and this all happened before he met you. That's more than a lot of men do. In any case, talk about trust!!! You're the one who broke HIS trust, by violating his privacy!

You are obviously insecure and have trust issues and jealousy issues. You need to work on them yourself - I don't mean to be so harsh, but your jealousy could ruin your relationship. Think about where this insecurity comes from and work on that - not your husband.

I would be upset at his moral decision to get sex that way (not that casual sex is that high on the morality scale in any situation), but I wouldn't be any more worried about him cheating on you than you were before.

If he chooses to seek out sex outside the relationship, then he will. Your husband may be the type to get a prostitute rather than hook up with a coworker or stranger, but he's not any more likely to cheat just because he saw prostitutes before you met him.

It was before you met him, you will just have to deal with it.

Why do you equate seeing prostitues with cheating, they have nothing to do with each other. I personally have slept with hookers and met girls in bars in my single years and honestly believe that I have paid for every single time i've ever had sex. Its actually more expensive to date than to just meet a girl for no commitment sex where you don't have to lie about what you want. If it happened before he met you, than what is your problem with it. It sounds to me like you don't trust him, if this is the case, you shouldn't be in a relashionship with him. This sounds like a pretty stupid reason to be upset with him, your the one who violated his trust. Unless you were a virgin when you met him, you have no reason to be upset, get a grip lady.

So what? It was before he met you. He had a whole complete life before you came along... And darling, don't kid yourself, you could cheat on him in less than 20 minutes. The point is, it was BEFORE YOU EVER MET. Get over it.

I think that would piss me off but that's just me. Well, not really piss me off but I would feel funny about it.

He says he used protection but you weren't there so you really don't know for sure if he did. And condoms don't protect 100% They rip and they slide off sometimes. But you know, this is your decision. You have to either accept his past and move on or don't. How would he react if you were one of those whores making a living before you married him and he didn't know about it until after you were married? It goes both ways.

About him cheating on you.....I wouldn't worry about that. I think he was with them because he didn't have anyone and like he said, he didn't want to commit. But like everyone said, you did violate his privacy. Why did you do that? Did you already have suspicions about him or were you just being nosy? lol
I don't understand why everyone is being so mean. Calm down people! lol

TO be more calm tell him to make the HIV test, it easy just as blood tes.

Why are you so upset over something that happened BEFORE he met you? Do you honestly think the man didn't have a life before you walked into his life. I agree, the prostitutes thing would freak me out as well, but did he try to cover it up and conceal it from you, or did you just not ask about it?

You're absolutely right, trust is the issue here. Your trust in him. It sounds like your doubting him, and worried that he'll cheat on you. That's poison to any marriage, if you don't trust him, he'll resent you, and then it's all over but the crying. Has he given you ANY reason DURING the time you've been with him that he would cheat on you? If your answer is "no" then you have nothing to worry about.

p.s. from a guys point of view (my hubby's) he says your hubby's explanation makes perfect sense to him. He wouldn't do it personally (see a hooker), but it's a logical explanation--wanted to get laid, but didn't want to deal with the whole "why didn't you call me?" issue.

Not much you can do now. Not to defend him, no man would go out and tell his prospective wife about this side of him and that's why he was upset when his secret was revealed.

This is his past, you shouldn't drag it to the present for him. As long as he had safe sex and didn't continue to visit pros since he's married you, then you shouldn't make a big issue out of it. I know the thought itself bothers you, but just remember how good he is to you since you both got married. That's what matters.

He's been tested for HIV for how many years? A person can have HIV for 10-15 years and not know it and not test postive for it. Also he COULD have HPV because HPV is spred by skin on skin contact and even though he was wearing a condom I doubt his ENTIRE body was covered, Condoms only cover the shaft of the reprodutive organs, not the Testicles and THOSE touch the outside of the vagina. One can have HPV and not know, and it has been proven that one does NOT need to have an outbreak to be contagious.
Although his past is just that and you really have no call to be upset you DO have the right to know...I suggest you go have YOURSELF tested and then INSIST that he continue to be tested for HIV and HPV EVERY SINGLE YEAR. You will ned to be tested as well.

Most men do ho's on the side or have done them.
Get over it lady. He's with you now, it's just a man thing.

It was before you were married. You had a trust issue before you snooped around in his journal, otherwise why would you snoop?

There is more to this story than the prostitutes. Unless you have a REAL reason not to trust him, drop the drama.

You have been married for three years, this was before he met you. This is in the past, leave it in the past. He was lonely and went for a woman he had to pay rather than one like he told you (he would have to lie to that he wanted a relationship. You mention TRUST. Trust come from both side and right now I`ll bet he doesn`t know if he can trust you. There was 2 years between his divorce and when he met you, do you think he should have been a good boy and not had sex. I agree with you on the prostitute but at least he used protection. I really think you are blowing this way out of proportion.

Here is a man that was honest, his journal said so and you read that for yourself. He wouldn't take advantage of a woman by pretending with a relationship just for sex (what a man). Instead he paid for it and was responsible enough to use protection.

You violated his trust by reading his journal, but to make things worst you brought it to his attention. What ever happened to "some things are better left unsaid"?
You're right there are trust issues ............. unfortunately they are all yours.

Number one the only reason he would need a prostitute is if he isn't getting any, so give it up. You know he is clean so whats the big deal. And you ever think that maybe he didn't tell you because he figured you would react bad to it hmmm. Maybe we men know that no matter how much our women may want honesty some things are better left unsaid. Because we know that it may hurt the ones we love. And if we truly love someone the last thing in the world we want to do is hurt them. Personally I think u should be happy that your husband cares enough to not tell you. It shows not only he loves you but also that he values your opinion and was worried what u may think about him. He didn't want to devalue himself in youreyes or dissapoint you. So lighten up. We men may seem gruff and not like to share but we do have our reasons.

I understand why you're upset - this is a big thing about his past that he didn't share with you - but remember, it is his past. Do you have any reason to believe he's doing anything now?

If not, try to put this in perspective. You're talking about something an adult did before he met you. Post-divorce, he was probably upset and unsure (most people are). Okay, having sex with prostitutes was undeniably a bad decision, but he did it as responsibly as he could (got tested for AIDS/std's, used protection).

Here's the thing - if the guy wanted to cheat, he could, that's a fact, BUT from what you say, you have no reason to believe he is. When he saw the hookers, he was a free agent, so he wasn't cheating on anyone. You're talking about two different behaviors here, and "having paid sex with hooker while single" is not the same as "having sex with anyone but wife while married."

Unless you have some reason to believe he can't be trusted, you're adding 2 + 2 and getting 5, so take a deep breath and think about what you do know about the guy you married. Is he generally honest, honorable, and does he treat you with respect? If so, then you need to get off his back about this.

Also, you did apologize for reading his journal, yes? If not, then it's time to apologize for that AND for jumping to conclusions. Unless there's evidence he's not a good guy, the problem here is your insecurity, not his behavior before he knew you.

What did you get married for? If you trusted him you wouldn't be snooping in his personal items. Once you realized it was something that was happening prior to him meeting you, then you should have closed the journal, and went about your business. If you love him then you should apologize for violating his privacy. After all I doubt that you would like him digging into your past to see who you had sex with, what positions, and if you swallow. GET OVER IT!

I'm sorry to say this, but if this happened BEFORE he met and married you and if he is not doing it now, you should try to focus...We all make mistakes as we live our lives.

I think you feel insecure and perhaps therapy would be a good option for you right now. Find out WHY you are so freaked out over something that happened before you had a relationship with him....

Nobody likes to think her husband visited prostitutes before they married you, but chances are they did.
It's in the past now.
If he is healthy and is not doing anything wrong now, then try to forgive him because he didn't do anything to you.

It would be totally different if he was doing this same thing now!

Honey....If you don't get a grip on yourself, you will start to behave in a way that will make him want to run away from him...and then your worst fears may be materialized....!

Be smart and work on YOURSELF now.
Good luck!

He wanted sex with no strings attached, that's it.
Get over it, he loves you and would never cheat on you.

You have exposed one of his dark secrets. He may not understand the depth of the problem, what it means about him and to you. At least you know the truth right now and can start taking the steps you think you should to make your life right.

The question of TRUST... ????
You are the ones who did not TRUST your husband not the other way round. and YOU are the one who felt insecurity that prompt you to ask all these question which in the first place was not an issue until you read his journal...
The way I look at it.. after his divorce and under that kind of stress and depression, he has to find some means of releasing. The prostitute thing though looks dirty for you... may be quiote justifiable for him during that time..

Now that you guys are married.. the question to ask yourself is ...\

Are you marrying HISTORIES?
OR Are you marrying for the FUTURE?..

Don't let the histories eat up the beautoful relationship that you have had..

take care.

I think you should take him at his word that back then he just wanted some sex, so like anything else when you want it you go buy it. so just make sure you are meeting his need in that department and I don't think you'll have a problem

I think the best thing that you can learn from this is that you both have issues in regard to trust. That you deal with the root cause rather than get upset with one another for violating each other in regard to trust.

Find it in your heart to forgive him and ask him to forgive you.
Agree that you will listen to one another without judging one another. Unconditional love is accepting one another WARTS and all.

One of you may have a problem but it affects you both in some way or another so resolving issues is a joint effort rather than an independant one.

My Definition of Trust :

Is where you can be comfortable revealing your darkest secret and not be judged for it. That you avoid creating dark secrets in the first place out of consideration of your Husband/Wife.

A good wife / husband :

Proverbs 31 10 to 31.

Ephesians 5