My wife of 15 years had an affair with someone we let into our house. Am I a fool to take her back?

This other person has been around for about 3 months, doing construction jobs on our house, since the death of her mother. The affair lasted 3 weeks. And it was premeditated. They went out together and each got an AIDS test before having sex for the first time. (There was no reason for her to do so, she did it for him.)

I found out a week ago today. My first instinct was divorce and I immediately sought out an attorney. We saw a marriage counselor and it seemed their might be a hope for reconciliation. Then she back out and said it was over. She couldn't leave him.

That night she had a change of heart and called off the affair and said she was home to stay. But then latter said that she still loved him and would need to see him as a friend. I said, "no way", walked out, and set my mind on divorce again.

Then she apparently had another change of heart and said she didn't need to see him again. It was over. But how will I ever know if it's really over?

I can't help thinking that I'm only with her today because I'm in denial or I'm crazy or both. Right now I'm at work and she's out with a friend "who knew" about the affair and didn't tell me. How can I trust her again?

We have three small children. She actually cheated on me the first time (although it was planned earlier) after our daughter's 7th birthday party. I can't walk through MY house without seeing something that he built or installed.

Am I just a fool? This is driving me insane.

I feel your pain, it does not hurt much more than that. Stay calm though, you are not alone.

Things may get worse before they get better, but they most always get better.

1. Forgive her. Anything less will only further hurt you and the kids.
2. Separate until she is 100% commited to you and the kids.
Immediately establish a clear boundry with consequences to her behavior.
3. Get counseling (this one is over your head, you are going to need a professional to sort this out). And then get more counseling by someone else, especially if the first one does not work out.
4. Treat her with respect around the kids, she is still their mom, and treat her as such.
5. Tell her you will divorce her (after separating of course, so that she can get a grasp of the consequences of what she has done) if she sees this man again, and follow through, divorce her.
6. Kick the living fcuk out of the guy if you ever see him anywhere near your children again. This guy has done just about everything that he could to ruin your kid's future, treat him in kind.
7. Ignore all of the advice that you are getting here on Y&A, we don't know what we are talking about, we are just trying to comfort you in your hour of suffering. Go talk to the wisest person/friend that you know. One that knows your circumstances better than we do, and follow his advice. He will know what you should do better than we can. Wisdom.

I hope it all works out, but if it does not, she was probably doing you a favor, and you are probably better off without her.

So in summary: Separate, do not take her back until she is 100% committed, get counseling, do not divorce unless she continues seeing this guy, or until there is no hope left for the marriage. Get wise counseling from your wise friends.

Good luck brother, I got your back on this one. I've had more than one friend go through the same thing (on both sides of the story). We're only human. Please email me if you I can help with anything, I'm a decent listener.

Thanks for the nod ... hope all works out well for you and the kids. Report It

I wish you the best, my friend. And Serafim's answer was truly the best; I'm glad you chose his answer. He's a good friend and gives great advice. Report It

Nothing but the best to you, friend. If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to drop a line. :)

And Jack's right, Serafim rules. Report It

Wow. I mean ... wow.

That's a hard situation and question. The trust will not be there for a long while and that you will never forget.Listen to your heart and if that's what you want to take her back then go for it.But remember once somebody does it,there are chances they will do it again.Good luck to you and sorry this happened to you.

I'm very sorry to hear that you have to go through this.

Look at it this way - how many times are you going to allow her to cheat on you? It's not the first time... it probably won't be the last.

you need to have a female friend to act like that is your wife and call him and you'll find out

No you aren't a fool...but you will be if you allow yourself to be with this insane woman any longer.

Wow, that is a tough situation. I would try counseling one more time, or at least communicate and try and find out why she cheats. Otherwise, get rid of her....

dont take her back.
she hurt you, and she didnt care that she ws hurting you.
obviously, you dont mean enough to her to be faithful.
Your kids will be fine. Shes setting a bad example. Her kids will grow up thinking shes a whore and that cheating is acceptable if you keep taking her back after she cheats. my father cheated alot, and I hated my mom for taking him back. I felt betrayed, since he did it repeatedly even though he knew it hurt us. I still to this day wish she hadnt taken him back. once a cheater always a cheater

You will never be able to trust this woman. She is out with her friend right now? Yeah right. Either she is out comming up with yet more lies to tell you or she is seeing the other guy. Get rid of this woman. Stay with her and become what you are afraid of...... A fool!

Her second choice someone said, "WOW" Also I think if this was a one time offense, you two should go to marriage counseling. You should try to see if you can forgive her or if you can even be happy again knowing what happened. Also are you going to question her every move from now on or can you get on on with your life & put this behind you?

You need to divorce her. If she can't decide which she loves better, isn't that a bit of a slap in the face to you? Her HUSBAND?

The fact that she wouldn't do marriage counseling proves she is not about to stop what she's doing. She isn't trying to save the marriage. She's weighing her benefits in each relationship.

Separate. Go find someone who will respect you.

YOU'RE CRAZY TO EVEN CONSIDER WORKING THIS OUT . . MAKE THEM BOTH LEAVE AND DIVORCE HER!!

if this is not the first time, she does not sound very trustworthy.
if she can swear never to do it again, and you believe her you can give her one more chance.
does she love you?, if not then there may be no point.
make it clear to her that this will be the last time, and you will divorce her if she does it again.
write everything down, names and dates of when she has cheated so you can refer to it if you do divorce as you will need evidence of her adultery.

Get rid of her!! She is dragging you though the mud and does not even care!! Give her the boot now before she has another change of heart!!

your not a fool at all. i always believe that once you cheat you always will somehow. it could just be writing to someone else online or talking on the phone. i know that i would never have the trust again. it takes alot of time to build trust . i know you have been married for along time but someone who can cheat on someone else that easily is truly not worth being with. i feel bad for the children but they always seem to make it ok. i would seek counseling again and if that doesn't work ,get out.

DIVORCE HER!

HE WAS HER 1ST CHOICE, HE PROB DUMPED HER AND SHE CAME RUNNING BACK TO YOU!

Can you honestly imagine growing old with a scheming, lying cheat?

Divorce her asap.

You seem decent enough to find someone who deservers your love.

Don't stay together for the kids as constant fighting will cause them diffuculty.

Divorce her, and get 50:50 custody.

Hope you find someone that deserves you.

You need to ask yourself if you will ever look at her or your marriage the same way. Will you ever respect her again? Will you ever trust the words that come out of her mouth again?

If you find that you are answering "no" honestly to yourself, then you will find your answer. Just always take care of your kids and yourself.

Forgiveness is best. Even though its the hardest thing in the world to forgive! But I would try. Make sure she understands you are not going to put up with her "feelings" toward him. She shouldn't have them so she can get rid of them. But try to forgive her. Sooo Sorry for you, that is the worst.

p.s. you cant decide now how your going to feel in a year. don't try and solve all your problems in one day or work it all out in a day.

unless you like that sh-t divorce her a-s!!!! plain and simple duh!!

It's your call, buddy! If she's willing to go through counseling with you, and never ever communicate with this guy again, then I would give her a chance ~ for your whole family, kids included.

But if she's wishy/washy, and is not really committed to you or your family...?

Your kids need you to make the effort if she's willing. It could end up being better than it ever was! You won't know unless you try.

As a person who was cheated on, I can tell you that you will always have that affair or should I say affairs in the back of your head. Every time she is late or is going "out w/ friends" you are going to wonder. BUT having children w/ her makes it a lot more difficult. I am not sure what I would do if my husband cheated on me. It was a former boyfriend and I just knew he would cheat again and he did a few more times. They say once a cheater always a cheater and I believe that is true w/ the same person. Anyway, I finally dumped his ***. But anyway, I think every situation is different. Can you trust her?? That is the question you need to ask yourself. If you can't, then it is over. It's not fair to stay married for your kids because your marriage won't be that good anyway.

Get the divorce ( and thats not something i would usually say) But in this instance, she is not commited to you or your children, she is commited to him. Why keep going thru all the indecision on her part. Find yourself a woman who when they mess up, feel the guilt , and horrendous pain they have caused to the family unit...this one doesnt.

Sorry, this isn't much of an answer. But without trust, you don't have love or an relationship. You have to figure out if you are willing to work a long time to rebuild that trust.

Personally, I don't like the premeditation and the frequent change of heart. Sorry to say, but it sounds like she is either bored or unhappy with you.

wow, OK are you still going to counseling? I think it would take a long time to get over this. She broke your trust and, you have to decide if you can forgive her move on. You both need to continue to got to counseling. If you want to work it out. Even if you don't it is a good idea for you. She should be working on gaining your trust back. You can't be back and forth in this. You might want to move from the house. And it is very sad they both went and had an aids test and preplanned this.

Pre-meditated? Did it for him? I doubt that. She got tested so that he would also get tested. This way she can be sure that she would not contract anything from him to bring back to you and get caught. Its a shame that children are involved, but you have a right to be happy.

My opinion is **** it, move on. The mind is a terrible enemy sometimes and the images of her with him in your house will haunt you. Plus it appears that she doesnt want to reconcile or wants her cake and would like to eat it too. If you stay in it for the kids, then you are doing it for the wrong reasons. Your children need to grow up with each parent happy, not at each others throats or not talking.

if you truly still love her why not go to counseling and see if you can make it work?

get rid of the other guy of course and see what your wife wants

It was over when she went to the doctor to get an AIDS test to sleep with someone else. If you take her back all your doing is giving her the green light to sleep with whoever she wants. You are her Yo-Yo, she wants you, she doesn't want you, she wants you, she doesn't want you. Make the decision for her, and get a divorce. She is clearly telling you that she wants someone else, and if she went out of her way to get an AIDS test done then she is in love with this guy. She wants him around as a friend because that's is a smoke screen. Oh I'm going to hang out with my friend today is translated to I'm going to have a quicke. Drop her before she brings you home a disease.

sorry to hear about what you're going through. it sounds soooo heart wrenching. i wouldnt wish this on anyone.

i think it's time for you to let her go. why would you want someone that's wishy washy about her feelings towards you? she's your WIFE, she shoulnt have cheated but even after the fact, the shouldve chose YOU. not go back and forth on her feelings.

this is mental cruelty and you deserve so much more than this

You're not the only victim in this situation, your children are as well. I think that they need to be considered in your decision too which makes it extremely hard to know what to do. My advice is always to give it your all to try to fix the problem before declaring it over when there are kids.

Perhaps, this was a crisis. Crisises end. However, regaining trust never ends. Can you offer her a chance to rebuild your relationship and hold your family together? That would mean that you step up to the plate, get both of yourselves into FAMILY counseling and focus on being together. Find out what emotional void this man filled in her life, was she missing something from your marriage? By no means are you at fault but you can be a big part of holding the family together and getting professional help to learn how. There's no quick answer, it takes considerable time and effort.

My thoughts are that she doesn't need this man, she is just addicted to what he gives her emotionally, mentally. If she can redirect all the time, energy and effort she put into her relationship with him towards her family, it can be worked out.
Divorce is the easy answer and what I chose in my circumstance. Although my life is better than it was before, my children went through so much and some bitterness still resonates. Give yourself a lot of time before coming to any conclusions. A well thought out decision is a well made decision. Best wishes.

You're a fool for ever letting another man live in your house. You can't dangle a bone in front of a dog and expect them to just leave it alone.
She obviously doesn't know what she wants. In addition to counseling, I recommend living in different homes so you can both have space & see how you really feel. She has to commit to not having ANY communication with either of you until she's decided what she wants.