Why do I feel like such a failure?

I have a beautiful little boy who's 2 years old and am unable to get pregnant again although I desperately want more children.

I met my (2nd) husband when I was 32 (I had no kids with my first) and we tried for nearly 2 years before I got pregnant with our son. We've been trying for 2 years, since our son was born for a sibling, with no success. We've had all the tests and it appears that my husband has a very low sperm count and motility. I seem to be OK although my age (37) probably isn't helping either.

The only "treatment" the doctors can offer is IVF/ICSI which is just out of our price range I'm afraid, we can't raise the money for it.

Every month I get my hopes up and every month they come crashing down again. All around me I see and talk to other mothers with children younger than my son, who are effortlessly getting pregnant again, or I see children playing with their siblings and I feel so desperately sad.

I'll never be pregnant again. I'll never have a daughter. My son will never have a sibling. He's getting older all the time and I'll never have another baby in my arms. If he grows up and moves away I'll be a very lonely old lady.

I feel so full of hatred for myself and so full of jealousy for those who get pregnant so easily (or who can afford the expensive IVF treatments).

And before anyone mentions is yes we have "considered" adoption and I don't think I could bear to go through the whole awful UK adoption procedure only to be turned down (like many people I know have been), I don't think we'd be eligible. I don't really want to adopt anyway and neither does my husband. Its not a band-aid for infertility.

How can I stop hating myself for being such a useless biological failure? I want another child so badly. How can I come to terms with the fact that it will never happen? I think I will have to do this because I'm going to make myself ill with the misery every month if I don't. How do I stop hoping?

I am worried because I feel so depressed right now and I can't let it affect my son . . .

Dearest, please ease up on yourself. You are not a failure. Perhaps the worrying may be doing your body more harm than you think. Emotional stressors (depression) can do wonders to a woman's body. Please take a deep breath and try to relax. Remember that there is a plan, a reason why things are the way they are. Keep trying, stay positive. If it happened once, it can happen again. Enjoy the child you have and please stay positive and optimistic.

The only thing you can do as of right now is pray (especially if you are a spiritual/religious person) that you will become pregnant, and keep trying, you never know when a miracle will happen. Best of luck.

Focus on all you do have, all the good things. Focusing on what you don't have only leads to misery.

I don't know much about children because I am only 17 myself, but from what family members & friends of the family have told me over the years I hope I can help you.
First off you are extremely luck yo have a wonderful boy and you are so lucky to see him grow up, there are so many people who don't get to see their children grow up.
On the other hand it must be awful knowing that you can't have anymore children. I know that the adoption system here in the UK is awful, but it's worth a shot, isn't it?
All the children that don't have parents, they deserve a chance of having some wonderful parents.
If it doesn't work out, you still have a wonderful son, something precious.
Keep busy in the day, go out to the park frequently with your son etc, to take your mind off things. You need to concentrate on your son and spend as much time as you can with him.
I hope I helped.