Hi everyone I am new here, I know this isnt in the right place. sorry. just need some answers.?
I do just need a guys point of view on this matter, someone who I dont know and who dont know me, cause I dont want to talk to someone about this that I know so I am sorry not trying to bother anyone. just need some answers. I didnt wants to come here but I dont want to go to a psych or anything ya know? As humiliating as this is, I am going to go a head and explain then I have some questions, for if you can answer.. Its about rape. I'm just wondering how do you shake memories that you want to forget and cant? I get them everyday almost all day there hasn't been a day go by yet that I dont get them. And ashamed as I am to admit this, I really need to cause I need help and some advice. I just do not want to go to a psych or counselor and such. I just want the thoughts to go away. " When I was 9 I was that darned little R word fallowed by 2 vowels and a consonant. I was so disgusted this was happening to me. I am still sickened by it. I want to forget that it had ever happened. But what made matters worse way worse! The man who raped me was degrading me as much as he could had possible done. He talk about how white woman are for black men's sexual entertainment. He took his damn fukkin time at going over what STDS are and what AIDS/HIV is and made sure that when he was done explaining it to me that I known what he explained me, he called that his pre rape quiz. He asked some questions and he made me answer I didnt want to but he told me till answer I am not going anywhere. I like an idiot answered. That is when he told me that he was infected with AIDS and is going to give me HIV. Which lead to him explaining to me what HIV is and how many symptoms it has and he went over what each symptom is. And them told me that he is going to have sex with me and that he is going to infect me with it. So the idiot went about doing what he said he would do. When he was done he told me that I have HIV and that it will soon turn into AIDS and I will be sick and that I'll die. ok. I was 9 when that happened. I never did tell. I couldnt. I was so scared of dying and being that sick. Well when I was 15 I went to the doctor, and asked for a blood test for HIV OR AIDS. I started getting a really terrible terrible cough, and I seen a TV commercial about meds that slow HIV from turning into AIDS, and I thought I need that and that they would help. Well 2 weeks went by and the doctor called me telling me that the HIV anti-body test came back negative. I was thinking how can that be there must be something wrong, and that I need to get on the damn meds this cough was literally killing me. ok... There was a clinic in school at the wellness center, and they offered rapid HIV/ AIDS testing by a few blood drops. ok. Well that came back negative too. I was crying my eyes out, I wanted to tell someone I WAS RAPED AND THE MAN HAD AIDS AND HE GAVE IT TO ME!!! I wanted to yell at them how comes them tests arent saying I have the STD?!?!? !!!! I wanted them to find I had it so they can treat me.. ok. Well when I was 16, I asked my doc for another test. DAMN THING CAME BACK NEG ..... AGAIN!!! ahrrrrrr. She said that if its been under 3 months that I was possible exposed to the virus that I should come back 3 months after for a more accurate reading and that after 6 months its 99% correct. I decided to ask her what about if its over a year? ok. Her said that anything over a year is 100%. antibodies dont take long to show in most people some take longer blah blah, but after a year they show no matter what. THE DARN THING IS!! I thought I had HIV for almost 7 years, everyday checking for symptoms, oral thrush and so on 7 damn years! don't GET ME WRONG. I am so happy that I dont have it. But now there isnt a day or even 3 hours that go by where I dont think what is he was telling the truth about it. I would have aids now. Later found out the cough was cause of ciggies. I also feel guilty and wrong that I didnt tell on him, cause he might do that to someone else, I couldnt tell on him though, shammed to low so dehumanized and embarrassed. Still am. I feel so dirty and low. And I know he raped someone else, cause I seen him in the dover post as a register sex offender 2007, and I track that on watchdog offender, and he is out now. He didnt really get any time in jail. Its a shame. I am sorry iIl just need to ask some questions now please help by answering.
1. Why cant I stop thinking about, Id have HIV now if he told the truth and still search my mouth and boy for symptoms?
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2. Why do I feel so dirty?
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3. Will I ever feel clean again?
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4. Is there anyway to feel less ashamed around men so I can actually look at them instead the floor or break eye contact every few seconds?
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5. Why does it feel so dehumanized and shameful?
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6. Why do I feel so ashamed to tell anyone what happened?
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7. If I do tell someone will they think I am nasty?? 7. If I do tell someone will they think I am nasty?? Guys please answer this is any guy reads this question?
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8. Will it always feel like this?
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9. how can i convince my self I dont have it so i dont have to go get tested all the time, reading it on the papers dont even help.
I am only 20 and I dont want to do anything, i just feel so fed up with everyone and everything, I dont trust men, there are so many woman who are raped and report it, and there are tons of
woman who are raped and dont rapist it. So many men rape, how till I know if I am dating a rapist someone that raped someone before, I dont want to date a rapist, how can I find out??
I just needed to let this out tonight sorry for wasting your alls time but any advice
The main most important question is, do men look down on woman with this issue, and does this issue make men think ill of woman? = gorses - eww - nasty.... ext. ext. and what not?? look, it's natural to feel all these things after that happened to u. Sorry it did, but it did. And the thing is the memories will haunt you for a while. You just have to learn to get over it by yourself. And by get over it i mean, u have to learn to trust again. The reason why u can't look at men and can only look at the floor when they come by is because you're afraid they may be the same as that guy that did this to you. You don't trust them to find out if they could possibly be different. No, men don't all look down on women. I know enough decent guys to know that this is true. You have to take the time to try and learn to trust and to stop being afraid. And no one cna help you do this because trust is something you just can't teach. You have to learn it on your own. You have to really FEEL it.
and to all those people that think its crazy to be able to share this on the internet rather that in reality to a therapist--
sometimes it's easier to tell things to a blank face than to someone who's standing right there in front of you. Wait. You're embarrassed to share this kind of stuff with the internet, but not with a professional therapist?! You need more help than you can find here. Get to a rape survivors support group, a grief counselor, hell a pediatrician if you have to. Get to a DOCTOR and tell them all of what you've written here. They can refer you where to get help if they can't help you outright. I am so sorry honey for what you have been through. I really wish I could give you advice but all I can say is please get help. I understand it is easier to speak to people online that you never have to face but in the long run I think it will help you feel better. God bless you love and I will keep you in my prayers. Holy Poopers.
Go publish that novel. |
