Hi everyone I am new here, I;m not even sure if this is in the right place.. sorry. just need some answers.?

Hi everyone I am new here. I didnt wants to come here but I dont want to go to a psych or anthing ya know? As humiliating as this is, I am going to go a head and explain then I have some questions, for if you can answer.. Its about rape. I'm just wondering how do you shake memories that you want to forget and cant? I get them everyday almost all day there hasnt been a day go by yet that I dont get them. And asshamed as I am to admit this, I really need to cause I need help and some advice. I just do not want to go to a psych or counslor and such. I just want the thoughts to go away. " When I was 9 I was that darned little R word fallowed by 2 vowels and a consonant. I was so disgusted this was happning to me. I am still sickend by it. I want to forget that it had ever happened. But what made matters worse way worse! The man who raped me was degrading me as much as he could had possaible done. He talk about how white woman are for black mens sexual entertainment. He took his damn fukkin time at going over what STDS are and what AIDS/HIV is and made sure that when he was done explaining it to me that I known what he explained me, he called that his pre rape quize. He asked some questions and he made me answer I didnt want to but he told me till answer I am not going anywhere. I like an idiot answerd. That is when he told me that he was infected with AIDS and is going to give me HIV. Which lead to him explaning to me what HIV is and how many symptoms it has and he went over what each symptom is. And them told me that he is going to have sex with me and that he is going to infect me with it. So the idiot went about doing what he said he would do. When he was done he told me that I have HIV and that it will soon turn into AIDS and I will be sick and that I'll die. ok. I was 9 when that happened. I never did tell. I couldnt. I was so scared of dying and being that sick. Well when I was 15 I went to the doctor, and asked for a blood test for HIV OR AIDS. I started getting a really terrible terrible cough, and I seen a TV commercial about meds that slow HIV from turning into AIDS, and I thought I neeed that and that they would help. Well 2 weeks went by and the doctor called me telling me that the HIV anti-body test came back negative. I was thinking how can that be there must be something wrong, and that I need to get on the damn meds this cough was litterly killin me. ok... There was a clinic in school at the wellness center, and they offered rapid HIV/ AIDS testing by a few blood drops. ok. Well that came back negative too. I was crying my eyes out, I wanted to tell someone I WAS RAPED AND THE MAN HAD AIDS AND HE GAVE IT TO ME!!! I wanted to yell at them how comes them tests arent saying I have the STD?!?!? !!!! I wanted them to find I had it so they can treat me.. ok. Well when I was 16, I asked my doc for another test. DAMN THING CAME BACK NEG ..... AGAIN!!! ahrrrrrr. She said that if its been under 3 months that I was possaible exposed to the virus that I should come back 3 months after for a more accurate reading and that after 6 months its 99% correct. I decided to ask her what about if its over a year? ok. Her said that anything over a year is 100%. antibodies dont take long to show in most people some take longer blah blah, but after a year they show no matter what. THE DARN THING IS!! I thought I had HIV for almost 7 years, everyday checking for symptoms, oral thrush and so on 7 damn years! dONT GET ME WRONG. I am so happy that I dont have it. But now there isnt a day or even 3 hours that go by where I dont think what is he was telling the truth about it. I would have aids now. Later found out the cough was cause of ciggies. I also feel guilty and wrong that I didnt tell on him, cause he might do that to someone else, I couldnt tell on him though, shameed to low so dehumanized and embarrassed. Still am. I feel so dirty and low. And I know he raped someone else, cause I seen him in the dover post as a regested sex offender 2007, and I track that on watchdog offender, and he is out now. He didnt really get any time in jail. Its a shame. I am sorrry iI just need to ask some questions now please help by answering.

1. Why cant I stop thinking about, Id have HIV now if he told the truth and still search my mouth and boy for symptoms?
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2. Why do I feel so dirty?
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3. Will I ever feel clean again?
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4. Is there anyway to feel less ashamed around men so I can actually look at them instead the floor or break eye contact every few seconds?
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5. Why does it feel so dehumanized and shameful?
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6. Why do I feel so asshamed to tell anyone what happened?
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7. If I do tell someone will they think I am nasty?? Guys please answer this is any guy reads this question?
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8. Will it always feel like this?

I am only 20 and I dont want to do anything, i just feel so fed up with everyone and everything, I dont trust men, there are so many woman who are raped and report it, and there are tons of

woman who are raped and dont repist it. So many men rape, how till I know if I am dating a rapist someone that raped someone before, I dont want to date a rapist, how can I find out??
I just needed to let this out tonight sorry for wasting your alls time but any adive

I want to start by saying that I am so sorry that you had to experience this in your life, and at such a young age. Being raped at ANY age is a horrifying experience, but to only be a child and to be psychologically abused in the process? Nobody deserves that, and I hope the man who did that to you rots in hell.

I know you said you do not want to seek counseling, but it is the only thing that is going to get you through this. You need the help of someone who is trained in counseling rape survivors - because that's what you are, a SURVIVOR of a terrible thing that was done to you. It is not easy being a survivor, and you need the help of someone who knows what you've gone through, who understands all of the pain you've kept inside you all these years.

Think of someone who is really sick with a curable disease, but doesn't want to go to the doctor. Think of it as your best friend. Wouldn't you want your best friend to go see a doctor so their terrible disease can be cured, and they can live a happy, normal life? That is what you need to do for yourself - you need to see someone who can help you come to terms with the rape, and move beyond it, so that you can be happy and live a full life.

I am going to answer your questions in order now:

1. You can't stop thinking about the HIV because you were psychologically abused, and it has scarred you. It is a symptom of the horrible damage that was done to you when that man hurt you, and it won't go away on its own. It will take a lot of counseling to fully heal.

2. You feel dirty because you were violated, and that is a NORMAL way to feel under these circumstances. I was not raped, but take it from someone who has been violated by another person... you feel dirty, you feel filthy, you feel like no amount of scrubbing will make you clean again. But it will, it just takes time and the right kind of help.

3. YES, you will. You just need the right kind of help, and I promise you can feel "clean" and whole again.

4. It will be hard for you to feel safe around men again, because of what that man... gosh I shouldn't even call him a man, he's less than human for what he did... for what that monster did to you. You have to understand that not ALL men are bad, not ALL men are rapists, only a small portion of truly sick, twisted monsters, and they aren't really men at all. With the right counseling you will be able to see that and trust yourself in male company again someday. Almost 14 years later I still feel uncomfortable around men, but I understand that they probably aren't going to hurt me, and I am a good judge of character.

5. You feel that way because a terrible thing was done to you, by a person who was less than human. He treated you like you weren't a real person, and as a result, you feel like you are less than a real person. But you are a person, and you MATTER, and you can't lose sight of that. Even though he treated you like you don't matter, you DO matter.

6. Our society treats rape like a shameful thing. It's a word we don't like to say, a topic we don't like to talk about, so when it happens to you, you feel like you can't come out and say it because there is something "wrong" or "taboo" about even saying the word. In an accepting, embracing therapy setting, you will be able to talk about it and accept that it happened, and move beyond it.

7. Nobody is going to think you are nasty for being the victim of a sexual crime. I am not a guy but I can tell you that straight-up -- the good guys out there are disgusted by rapists, not the rape victim. Men who rape women are disgusting and nasty, and everyone knows that, but the VICTIM of the crime (you) is not nasty at all. People will not judge YOU for what happened to you, they will judge the person who committed the crime.

8. You will not always feel like this if you get help now. You are only 20 years old, you have a lot of life ahead of you! You don't want to feel this way forever. The time to seek therapy is now, not later. Call your local crisis center, or ask your doctor if they can refer you to a good therapist. Get online and see if there is a center for rape survivors in your area where you can seek treatment specific to what you've been through. I promise if you seek counseling and let someone help you, you do NOT have to live like this forever.

I really hope you read all that, because it came from the heart and I don't even have to know you, to know that you deserve better than to live like this. Please do the right thing for yourself and get help - you will never regret it. It will only make your life better, and help you move on and be happy. Good luck and God bless!

This is so sad sweetie. I am sorry you had to go through it! Although, I know you don't want to seek counseling, but if you don't you may end up hurting yourself because of your anger and fear. I bet the guy didn't have HIV and just wanted to scare you even more. It's not to late to say anything now though. Even if you can just warn the public by staying anonymous and going to the police. I know you don't want anyone else to go through what you have gone through, so as hard as it may be you really should tell authorities! Best wishes!

ok ur not nasty that's first thing and if the test came back neg then ur ok as for #3 im sorry but no u will never feel clean agen but talking to family and close Friends can help iv ben told #4 tack self deafens class it can help u regain ur confidence back. #5 he was and still is a sick basterd u should not be the one feeling ashamed ok u did nothing wrong it was normal to b scared but telling the police ur story might help put him in jail i cant Promise that tho.#6 is normal to but it helps to talk its the starting point. #7 like i said ur not nasty ok hes a fu**ed up person that deserves to bern in HE** #8 only time and lots of loving Friends and family can tell maybe one day i hope this helped god bless u and good luck... ps there r ppl that care ur not alone remeber that ok god bless u.

omg that is so horrible. I'm honestly so shocked and am kind of speechless. What you went through will be with you for the rest of your life but if anything be grateful that you don't have that horrible virus that is spreading so quickly. I know it must be hard to live with and you now can't trust anyone but don't shut out everyone that you could possibly have a relationship with. What that guy did was wrong and i don't know if i would have even said anything because it was something so personal that scared and still scares you but you are older now and if you can find that guy and have him put in prison. You might never heal from this but make that experience into something positive such as an organization to help the victims of rape and to help others understand how dangerous this world and people can be.

I hope i helped
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