How does one stop waiting for the day to die to focus on each day I am alive?

I have been diagnosed with HIV for over 20 years. I learned of my illness at a time when there was only AZT for treatment which only had worked for approximately 2 years. I was only 21 and attending college. At that point the nightmare began as my life turned from planning my future to planning the best way to face the end of my life. Since then, I can only look back and see years of emptiness, fear, escape and hopelessness. Drugs became my means of escape as I had to somehow let go of goals and dreams. I have developed Borderline personality disorder along with Complex PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) recently and on many medications to control both my mental and physical illnesses. I am in therapy 3 times a week, on a LOA from work, doctor visits,still escaping and live from day to day without planning. My fear of dying has become my fear of living. How can I turn this around? If I was to know 20 years ago that this what I worried about missing, I could have relaxed.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Maybe you could get some inspiration from others who are in similar situations and have decided to make the most of every day they are still alive. Sometimes seeing positive ways other people handle such situations can inspire us to do the same.

Check out, "The Last Lecture." You can read the book or watch the actual lecture by Randy Pausch... Google it and you probably will find videos of the whole lecture.

Also, I'm sure you've checked into medication ... but if not, there are types of antidepressants that can help you cope better on a mental level.

Good luck to you...

You need to start focusing on somebody besides yourself. I don't know the best ways for you to do this; get involved with family or friends, do volunteer work, get a hobby where you interact with others... something along those lines.
If you are concerned with other people, you will live better. Being sick can make people self-centered, understandably, but try not to give in to this.

You need to get into a group with others that are HIV positive and talk things over with them. Stay the course and get to know as many of them as you can on a close friendly way and soon your feelings of dread will have left.

mmm i am 18 and i might die before i even finish this answer, and i might live to be 100 but i don;t worry because i know we will all die one day,,, but i am in peace because i am trying to do good things in my life so that when i pass away i go to a better place where i can see all my loved ones ( i am a muslim by the way),,,, so my advice is try to preper a better after life for ur self,,, and know that it is best to live for this world as if u will live for ever and life for the after life as if u will die tommorow