Just a few top tips from VIZ?

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two- team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.

Ben Hunt





The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.

John



'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.

Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colin Hill



I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.

L Palmer, London



The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

P Boddington, Ringway



Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

P, Leeds



On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with? 'to which I confidently replied 'c ##t'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately! Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family?

Noel, Leeds



Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?



On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road

Alan J., London



Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.

Les, Barnsley



The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?

John Campbell, e-mail



With reference to that series "Manhunt", where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the twat quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.

Shuggie, e-mail



Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond



I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?

Dave Owen, Edinburgh



I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.

Stan



What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

fantastic!!! best stuff on here for ages

CAN YOU SUMMARIZE THAT FOR ME PLEASE?

paint a big h on your lawn that way helicopters will know its safe to land there!

Excellent xx

Blimey what a question........... enjoyed it though thanks

Well worth the read

Fantastic, thanks! I needed cheering up.

Cool! Funny stuff!

******
Stan might find that his usual holiday destination at passport control a little bit more crowded these days..

I see you are trying to save cost, you could have sent them individually. lol

Oh stan - -LOL

not bad i suppose seen better

One of my favourite Viz Top Tips was,

Ensure your carpets look as good everyday as they did the day you bought them by rolling them up and keeping them in your garage.

thank you, you've put a smile on my face on a boring day. hope your smiling too.

Some I enjoyed, and some I didn't understand, but I enjoyed the read. Thank you.

I wish you a nice evening.