When HIV became a gay cancer, were you scared and what did you think would happen to you if you got it?

Education is important to live with HIV, but knowing nothing is a bigger disease than this. How does it make you feel, and or what did you feel when you first heard of this?

Dear dreamsas, I am gay and living with HIV, and have been for 8 years, I want to know how other people felt, either with the disease or knowing someone with it. It is sad that they called it "the gay cancer" but it was and I know it scared the hell out of me, and now here I am living with it. I just want to know what others felt or saw both outside and inside themselves. Thanks for your comments.

In 1981 when I first heard about the gay plague I worried. I worried about the people I loved and I worried about myself since we didn't know how it was transmitted. I wanted the people I loved to keep safe, but we weren't sure what that was. Pretty early on I was glad the bathhouses closed. I wasn't sure they were the cause, but I certainly heard enough about what when on there to be concerned that some of the activities had a likely consequence. I was glad when it seemed like wearing condoms would offer some protection. At least there was a sense of something your friends could do differently than to just stop having sex. With so much stigma around gay sex, it was hard not to think that some of the recommendations came from prejudice and not knowledge.

When the idea of a plague passed and gay cancer replaced it, I can't say I sighed in relief, but I did think I was safe (as a heterosexual female). No matter how often you heard that kissing was safe, toilet seats were safe, eating from the same dishes were safe - a part of me still wondered if I was safe. Cancer at least seemed to rule out very casual/brief causation. I wasn't having sex with gay men and at that point the only known women with AIDS had sex with gay men. (The connection to IV drugs came later.)

When the idea of cancer took hold I saw the behavior of most of my friends change. No more bravado about going bareback or how many guys you had in a night. We would keep a look out for safety pins some men would wear to say they practiced safer sex.

I saw as fear gripped the community I loved. I saw people I cared about get sick. I watched people I loved die. I went to 14 funerals in one year.

I got tested frequently. I decided to become celibate when I decided to adopt my son.

I watched as the two men I loved most in this world slowly and painfully die. I read everything I could find in hopes of continung to confirm I was safe. But I never really knew for sure.

I think I took my last test about 6 years after I had last had sex. I pretty much gave up sex for almost 10 years. My fear of AIDS was intense.

My sex life is divided into two parts - before AIDS and after AIDS. Nothing ever changed a sexual culture as much as this disease did.

I am so saddened now when the fears of it seems to have diminished and the risk people take are increasing. I worry for the children who think sex is all fun and games and don't realize it can be deadly.

You never forget seeing a young man die of a disease that so deprives them of their dignity. I wish I could make young people understand that no matter how wonderful sex is - it isn't worth dying for. I wish I could permanently attach a condom to my son. I just hope what I taught him he always remembers - No condoms, No sex, no excuses.

AIDS changed my life forever. I still mourn the loss of many very good men who lost their lives far too soon.

Mark, Jim, Rob, Mario, MIchael, James, Gus, and so, so, so many more. You are still loved and remembered for the gifts you had too little time to share.

Big news for you: HIV/AIDS is NOT a f***ing gay disease!!!! It does not discriminate against straight people, nor gender, race, religion or creed!

(Stepping off my soap box) I first heard about it in '92 when 2 friends I knew had it, and I was 20 years old (God I'm dating myself, but oh well...) They died within a few months, so it was pretty hard for me. I just always try to be careful and be safe.

EDIT: I am very sorry to hear that you have HIV, it was really hard for me when one of my good friends told me he has it. I just had to say something because so many ignorant people refer to AIDS/HIV as the 'gay cancer' or 'gay disease' that I just didn't want there to be any sort of confusion about it, that is all. I really wish you luck with that. Let me know if you would like my friend's info, I will ask him and see if its okay with him if you want... (he's been living with it for the past 3 years or so)