How do I decide about telling people?

Once you tell someone, you can’t take it back.

Take a while to get used to the situation before you tell other people. Think about whether they will be able to keep it to themselves, and what you hope to achieve by telling them.

There are many benefits in having some of the people in your life know. Being able to talk freely can be a source of comfort and support. It can be lonely having to deal with it all yourself and keeping a secret.

Mary

The only people I spoke to about HIV were the people at my clinic. I went along to a group for positive women and I’d recommend that to anyone. It made me feel so much less alone to find other people who had gone through the same things as me.

Paul

I didn’t think talking to strangers was the kind of thing I could do, especially about something as personal as having HIV; when I hadn’t even talked with my closest
friends. Some of those strangers I met at the men’s group have now become very good friends.

Telling friends and family can bring the chance of them offering you their support. But many people fear rejection. This does happen, but probably a lot less than you think. It is worth thinking ahead about the kind of information and support they might need in understanding and accepting your diagnosis.

What about telling my partner?

Telling a partner can be more difficult. For a start you may have concerns about them
getting HIV from you, or having already caught it from you in the past. And it may be that you think they might have been the person you got HIV from.

You will need to think about your expectations and hopes when you tell a partner.

Prudence

My partner reacted a lot better than I expected. I told him straight away, as I was so upset about everything.
At first he went for an HIV test and then felt guilty that he had brought HIV into our marriage. But as it turned out, we had both separately caught HIV long before we met.

Gary

I wasn’t in a relationship when I was diagnosed. I didn’t meet anyone for a long time afterwards and it was hard making the decision about whether to tell people or not. There’s no ‘best way’ to handle it. You can tell people straight away, or wait until you get to know them. I’ve tried it all different ways and sometimes it works, sometimes not.

One thing to bear in mind is that if you have unprotected sex with someone without telling them you are HIV positive, and they become infected with HIV, they could try to have a criminal prosecution brought against you. The law is quite complicated about this, but several people have been prosecuted in this way. You will need to think carefully about whether to use condoms when you have sex, because of the possible risk to a partner and to yourself.

Move on to What about my children?